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Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men

Genre: Sitcom

Chiropractor and single father Alan Harper lives in a beachfront house with divorced Internet billionaire Walden Schmidt, who bought the house following the untimely death of Alan's brother, Charlie. As they acclimate to their living arrangement, the tightly wound Alan finds himself taking on a mentor role with Walden, whose lifelong dependence on being taken care of has left him a bit naive. Despite his unsuccessful romantic history, Alan also tries to help Walden overcome his limited experiences with dating. Berta, a sharp-tongued, unapologetic housekeeper, is also featured in the series.
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    Avg. 2.5 (12,263 ratings)
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All Upcoming Times for Two and a Half Men

Episode Air Date Channel

If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap

S01, E04  (First Aired: Oct. 13, 2003)
Alan offers to help get Charlie's cleaning lady back if Charlie can get Jake ready to go out to dinner with his mother.
  • Tue 6/27
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up With a Hump

S01, E05  (First Aired: Oct. 20, 2003)
Charlie and Alan meet several women while attending one of Jake's soccer games.
  • Tue 6/27
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab

S02, E23  (First Aired: May. 16, 2005)
Alan is reluctant to leave Jake with Evelyn for a sleepover visit until he finds himself partying with Charlie and a busload of beautiful female volleyball players.
  • Tue 6/27
  • 11:30PM-12:00AM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Does This Smell Funny to You?

S02, E24  (First Aired: May. 23, 2005)
Charlie unknowingly sleeps with an elderly man's (Orson Bean) hot trophy wife.
  • Wed 6/28
  • 12:00AM-12:30AM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?

S01, E06  (First Aired: Oct. 27, 2003)
After Evelyn's new beau dumps her, Charlie and Alan enlist Jake to cheer her up; Charlie teaches Jake a lesson about screening telephone calls from women.
  • Wed 6/28
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake

S01, E07  (First Aired: Nov. 3, 2003)
For a school assignment, Jake draws the tattooed buttocks of Charlie's female friend.
  • Wed 6/28
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Weekend in Bangkok With Two Olympic Gymnasts

S03, E01  (First Aired: Sep. 19, 2005)
After Alan falls off the roof, Charlie volunteers to watch Jake for the weekend.
  • Wed 6/28
  • 11:30PM-12:00AM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover

S03, E02  (First Aired: Sep. 26, 2005)
Alan must see the school principal over a picture Jake drew of a schoolmate and calls Charlie to watch over the boy.
  • Thu 6/29
  • 12:00AM-12:30AM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful

S01, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 10, 2003)
Charlie realizes Jake's classmates know the words to all of his jingles, and he is inspired to craft the fourth-grade musical with unusual results.
  • Thu 6/29
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Phase One, Complete

S01, E09  (First Aired: Nov. 17, 2003)
Jake and Evelyn befriend one of Charlie's one-night stands, causing her to stay longer than expected.
  • Thu 6/29
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark

S03, E03  (First Aired: Oct. 3, 2005)
Charlie organizes an intervention to keep Alan from reuniting with Judith.
  • Thu 6/29
  • 11:30PM-12:00AM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Slowly and in a Circular Fashion

S09, E13  (First Aired: Jan. 2, 2012)
When Walden's mother (Mimi Rogers) and ex-wife (Judy Greer) try to take over his company, he turns to Alan for help.
  • Fri 6/30
  • 12:00AM-12:30AM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs

S03, E04  (First Aired: Oct. 10, 2005)
Berta moves into Charlie's house for a few days and plays one brother against the other.
  • Fri 6/30
  • 11:30PM-12:00AM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

A Possum on Chemo

S09, E14  (First Aired: Jan. 16, 2012)
Zoey tries to convince Walden to cut his hair and shave; Alan and Lyndsey revive their relationship.
  • Sat 7/1
  • 12:00AM-12:30AM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Merry Thanksgiving

S01, E10  (First Aired: Nov. 24, 2003)
In an attempt to prove that he is a family man, Charlie invites Lisa (Denise Richards) over for Thanksgiving dinner.
  • Sun 7/2
  • 6:00PM-6:30PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor

S01, E11  (First Aired: Dec. 15, 2003)
Alan reluctantly agrees to a makeover after running into his ex-wife and her new beau; when the brothers go shopping, they clash over what to buy.
  • Sun 7/2
  • 6:30PM-7:00PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

For the Sake of the Child

S07, E05  (First Aired: Oct. 19, 2009)
After they embarrass him in public, Jake refuses to stay with Charlie and Alan.
  • Sun 7/2
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Give Me Your Thumb

S07, E06  (First Aired: Nov. 2, 2009)
Alan suggests that Chelsea get breast-reduction surgery, and Charlie kicks him out.
  • Sun 7/2
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie

S06, E14  (First Aired: Feb. 2, 2009)
Convinced that Alan is not appreciated by his family, Melissa asks him to live with her and her mother.
  • Mon 7/3
  • 12:00AM-12:30AM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Camel Filters and Pheremones

S01, E12  (First Aired: Jan. 5, 2004)
The housekeeper's beautiful granddaughter comes to work with her and attracts the attention of the men; Alan tries to convince Judith that Charlie's house is good for Jake.
  • Mon 7/3
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Sarah Like Puny Alan

S01, E13  (First Aired: Jan. 12, 2004)
Charlie sets his ailing brother up on a date, then drags him to a steam room to help him get rid of his flu symptoms.
  • Mon 7/3
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

We Called It Mr. Pinky

S03, E05  (First Aired: Oct. 17, 2005)
Charlie responds inappropriately to a woman's declaration of love, and Rose says his inability to have a long-lasting relationship is due to unresolved issues with his mother.
  • Mon 7/3
  • 11:30PM-12:00AM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop

S03, E07  (First Aired: Nov. 7, 2005)
Rose's father (Martin Sheen) confronts Charlie about his intentions toward Rose.
  • Tue 7/4
  • 12:00AM-12:30AM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

I Can't Afford Hyenas

S01, E14  (First Aired: Feb. 2, 2004)
Charlie realizes he's broke when his credit card is declined at the grocery store. Richard Lewis guest stars.
  • Tue 7/4
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick

S01, E15  (First Aired: Feb. 9, 2004)
Against Alan's judgment, Charlie falls for a seemingly crazy woman named Frankie. Guest star: Jenna Elfman.
  • Tue 7/4
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

That Voodoo That I Do Do

S03, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 14, 2005)
Charlie cons Jake into taking ballet lessons in order to get close to the teacher.
  • Tue 7/4
  • 11:30PM-12:00AM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Madame and Her Special Friend

S03, E09  (First Aired: Nov. 21, 2005)
A wealthy, elderly woman (Cloris Leachman) sets her sights on Alan.
  • Wed 7/5
  • 12:00AM-12:30AM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

That Was Saliva, Alan

S01, E16  (First Aired: Feb. 16, 2004)
Frankie tells Charlie and Alan why she and her daughter are on the run; Frankie's daughter has a crush on Jake.
  • Wed 7/5
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats

S01, E17  (First Aired: Feb. 23, 2004)
Alan offends Charlie by choosing harebrained cousins as Jake's guardians in the event of his death.
  • Wed 7/5
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Something Salted and Twisted

S03, E10  (First Aired: Nov. 28, 2005)
Alan organizes a family dinner to celebrate a newspaper article that calls him a ``good doctor, good neighbor and a good guy,'' but it does not impress his mother.
  • Wed 7/5
  • 11:30PM-12:00AM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

That Special Tug

S03, E12  (First Aired: Jan. 9, 2006)
Alan's emotional breakdown after dropping Jake off for a weekend away sends Charlie to a therapist.
  • Thu 7/6
  • 12:00AM-12:30AM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

An Old Flame With a New Wick

S01, E18  (First Aired: Mar. 1, 2004)
Charlie is stunned to learn his ex-girlfriend is now a man (Chris O'Donnell).
  • Thu 7/6
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You

S01, E19  (First Aired: Mar. 22, 2004)
Judith's sister, Liz (guest star Teri Hatcher), hits on Alan at Jake's birthday party; Evelyn prefers alcohol to cake.
  • Thu 7/6
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Ergo, the Booty Call

S03, E16  (First Aired: Mar. 6, 2006)
Alan tries to avoid bringing his sexy 22-year-old girlfriend to Jake's birthday party.
  • Thu 7/6
  • 11:30PM-12:00AM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack

S09, E15  (First Aired: Feb. 6, 2012)
Walden tries to loosen Zooey up by sharing some of Berta's special brownies.
  • Fri 7/7
  • 12:00AM-12:30AM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark

S01, E20  (First Aired: Apr. 19, 2004)
After trying a father/son talk, Alan and Judith decide to take a moody Jake to a therapist (Jane Lynch).
  • Fri 7/7
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

No Sniffing, No Wowing

S01, E21  (First Aired: May. 3, 2004)
Charlie jeopardizes Alan's divorce settlement by sleeping with his attorney, Laura (Heather Locklear).
  • Fri 7/7
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

The Unfortunate Little Schnauser

S03, E17  (First Aired: Mar. 13, 2006)
Charlie boycotts an advertising awards banquet, having lost several years in a row to his nemesis, Archie (Jon Lovitz).
  • Fri 7/7
  • 11:30PM-12:00AM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy

S09, E16  (First Aired: Feb. 13, 2012)
When a huge storm keeps Walden, Alan, Zoey and Lindsay at home on Valentine's Day, conflict brews and relationships are strained.
  • Sat 7/8
  • 12:00AM-12:30AM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet

S01, E22  (First Aired: May. 10, 2004)
Charlie attempts to cure Alan of his recent bout of sleepwalking; Jake sees a therapist (Jane Lynch).
  • Sat 7/8
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Just Like Buffalo

S01, E23  (First Aired: May. 17, 2004)
Charlie tries to sweet talk Judith's divorcee support-group into letting Jake continue to spend weekends at his place.
  • Sat 7/8
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Can You Feel My Finger?

S01, E24  (First Aired: May. 24, 2004)
A pregnancy scare has Charlie heading to the doctor for a vasectomy.
  • Sun 7/9
  • 6:00PM-6:30PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Back Off Mary Poppins

S02, E01  (First Aired: Sep. 20, 2004)
Alan learns that Charlie belongs to an exclusive men's group, and he begs his brother to let him join.
  • Sun 7/9
  • 6:30PM-7:00PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair

S07, E09  (First Aired: Nov. 23, 2009)
Charlie discovers he has not been satisfying Chelsea; Alan attempts to cure his thinning hair without spending much money.
  • Sun 7/9
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

That's Why They Call It Ball Room

S07, E10  (First Aired: Dec. 7, 2009)
Charlie discovers that Chelsea has not been completely honest about her finances.
  • Sun 7/9
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

The Ocu or the Pado?

S06, E17  (First Aired: Mar. 9, 2009)
When Charlie swears his love to Chelsea (Jennifer Taylor), her response is nothing like what he'd expected.
  • Mon 7/10
  • 12:00AM-12:30AM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

No Episode Title

(First Aired: Sep. 22, 2003)
The social interactions of a group of misfits, including a divorcee and an Internet billionaire.
  • Mon 7/10
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT
  •  
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Golly Moses, She's a Muffin

S03, E19  (First Aired: Apr. 10, 2006)
Kandi moves in with Alan, causing tension in the house, since Charlie is having a dry spell with women.
  • Mon 7/10
  • 11:30PM-12:00AM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT

Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro

S03, E20  (First Aired: Apr. 24, 2006)
Charlie sleeps with Kandi's mother, as Alan tries to win her daughter back; Kandi arranges a date between her father and Judith.
  • Tue 7/11
  • 12:00AM-12:30AM
  • 9.1
  • WGNDT