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Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men

Genre: Sitcom

Chiropractor and single father Alan Harper lives in a beachfront house with divorced Internet billionaire Walden Schmidt, who bought the house following the untimely death of Alan's brother, Charlie. As they acclimate to their living arrangement, the tightly wound Alan finds himself taking on a mentor role with Walden, whose lifelong dependence on being taken care of has left him a bit naive. Despite his unsuccessful romantic history, Alan also tries to help Walden overcome his limited experiences with dating. Berta, a sharp-tongued, unapologetic housekeeper, is also featured in the series.
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    2.5 / 5.0
    Avg. 2.5 (12,263 ratings)
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All Upcoming Times for Two and a Half Men

Episode Air Date Channel

Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous

S04, E21  (First Aired: Apr. 23, 2007)
Alan's friendship with a gay single dad prompts both Alan and Charlie to re-examine their sexual identities.
  • Sun 2/26
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
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  • 711
  • WPIXDT

Mr. McGlue's Feedbag

S04, E22  (First Aired: Apr. 30, 2007)
Jake has a windfall when Charlie takes him to the track; Alan finds himself stuck at the Department of Motor Vehicles.
  • Sun 2/26
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
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  • 711
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Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark

S01, E20  (First Aired: Apr. 19, 2004)
After trying a father/son talk, Alan and Judith decide to take a moody Jake to a therapist (Jane Lynch).
  • Mon 2/27
  • 3:00PM-3:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
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  • 767
  • FX HD

No Sniffing, No Wowing

S01, E21  (First Aired: May. 3, 2004)
Charlie jeopardizes Alan's divorce settlement by sleeping with his attorney, Laura (Heather Locklear).
  • Mon 2/27
  • 3:30PM-4:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

It Was Mame, Mom

S02, E18  (First Aired: Mar. 7, 2005)
When a gay ad executive invites Charlie to a cocktail party, Charlie makes Alan go with him, as his gay partner.
  • Mon 2/27
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
  •  
  •  
  • 711
  • WPIXDT

A Low, Gutteral Tongue-Flapping Noise

S02, E19  (First Aired: Mar. 21, 2005)
Alan asks one of Charlie's beautiful ex-girlfriends (Jeri Ryan) on a date, but while they are out he is tormented by thoughts of her with Charlie.
  • Mon 2/27
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
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  • 711
  • WPIXDT

Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark

S01, E20  (First Aired: Apr. 19, 2004)
After trying a father/son talk, Alan and Judith decide to take a moody Jake to a therapist (Jane Lynch).
  • Tue 2/28
  • 12:30PM-1:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

No Sniffing, No Wowing

S01, E21  (First Aired: May. 3, 2004)
Charlie jeopardizes Alan's divorce settlement by sleeping with his attorney, Laura (Heather Locklear).
  • Tue 2/28
  • 1:00PM-1:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet

S01, E22  (First Aired: May. 10, 2004)
Charlie attempts to cure Alan of his recent bout of sleepwalking; Jake sees a therapist (Jane Lynch).
  • Tue 2/28
  • 3:00PM-3:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
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  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Just Like Buffalo

S01, E23  (First Aired: May. 17, 2004)
Charlie tries to sweet talk Judith's divorcee support-group into letting Jake continue to spend weekends at his place.
  • Tue 2/28
  • 3:30PM-4:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
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  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey

S02, E20  (First Aired: Apr. 18, 2005)
When Charlie and Alan take their personal frustrations out on each other, Rose tries to help the brothers sort out their feelings.
  • Tue 2/28
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
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  • 711
  • WPIXDT

A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On

S02, E21  (First Aired: May. 2, 2005)
When Evelyn reads in the obituaries that her second husband, Harry, has died, she attends the funeral with Alan, then is furious to learn that Alan had kept in touch with Harry after the divorce.
  • Tue 2/28
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
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  • 711
  • WPIXDT

My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet

S01, E22  (First Aired: May. 10, 2004)
Charlie attempts to cure Alan of his recent bout of sleepwalking; Jake sees a therapist (Jane Lynch).
  • Wed 3/1
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Just Like Buffalo

S01, E23  (First Aired: May. 17, 2004)
Charlie tries to sweet talk Judith's divorcee support-group into letting Jake continue to spend weekends at his place.
  • Wed 3/1
  • 12:00PM-12:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Can You Feel My Finger?

S01, E24  (First Aired: May. 24, 2004)
A pregnancy scare has Charlie heading to the doctor for a vasectomy.
  • Wed 3/1
  • 3:00PM-3:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
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  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Back Off Mary Poppins

S02, E01  (First Aired: Sep. 20, 2004)
Alan learns that Charlie belongs to an exclusive men's group, and he begs his brother to let him join.
  • Wed 3/1
  • 3:30PM-4:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
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  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother

S02, E22  (First Aired: May. 9, 2005)
After taking a loan from Evelyn, Alan is guilted into double-dating with her, her new romantic interest and his daughter.
  • Wed 3/1
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 11
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  • 711
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Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab

S02, E23  (First Aired: May. 16, 2005)
Alan is reluctant to leave Jake with Evelyn for a sleepover visit until he finds himself partying with Charlie and a busload of beautiful female volleyball players.
  • Wed 3/1
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 11
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  • 711
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Can You Feel My Finger?

S01, E24  (First Aired: May. 24, 2004)
A pregnancy scare has Charlie heading to the doctor for a vasectomy.
  • Thu 3/2
  • 12:00PM-12:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Back Off Mary Poppins

S02, E01  (First Aired: Sep. 20, 2004)
Alan learns that Charlie belongs to an exclusive men's group, and he begs his brother to let him join.
  • Thu 3/2
  • 12:30PM-1:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Enjoy Those Garlic Balls

S02, E02  (First Aired: Sep. 27, 2004)
Judith is dating Jake's pediatrician (Ryan Stiles), and Alan is upset until Charlie points out that if she remarries, his alimony payments will end.
  • Thu 3/2
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
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  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

A Bag Full of Jawea

S02, E03  (First Aired: Oct. 4, 2004)
Charlie tries to save Jake from school suspension by romancing his teacher, but the results are unfortunate.
  • Thu 3/2
  • 3:00PM-3:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Does This Smell Funny to You?

S02, E24  (First Aired: May. 23, 2005)
Charlie unknowingly sleeps with an elderly man's (Orson Bean) hot trophy wife.
  • Thu 3/2
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
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  • 711
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Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room

S11, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 21, 2013)
When Alan and Lyndsey's affair puts Walden in danger, he is forced to accept Rose's (Melanie Lynskey) help.
  • Thu 3/2
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
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  • 711
  • WPIXDT

Enjoy Those Garlic Balls

S02, E02  (First Aired: Sep. 27, 2004)
Judith is dating Jake's pediatrician (Ryan Stiles), and Alan is upset until Charlie points out that if she remarries, his alimony payments will end.
  • Fri 3/3
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

A Bag Full of Jawea

S02, E03  (First Aired: Oct. 4, 2004)
Charlie tries to save Jake from school suspension by romancing his teacher, but the results are unfortunate.
  • Fri 3/3
  • 12:00PM-12:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Go Get Mommy's Bra

S02, E04  (First Aired: Oct. 11, 2004)
Charlie's mother, Evelyn, asks to borrow his Mercedes so she can impress a Saudi prince who she wants to buy real estate.
  • Fri 3/3
  • 3:00PM-3:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Bad News From the Clinic

S02, E05  (First Aired: Oct. 18, 2004)
Charlie meets his match when he falls for a woman who is better at playing hard to get than he is.
  • Fri 3/3
  • 3:30PM-4:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Weekend in Bangkok With Two Olympic Gymnasts

S03, E01  (First Aired: Sep. 19, 2005)
After Alan falls off the roof, Charlie volunteers to watch Jake for the weekend.
  • Fri 3/3
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
  •  
  •  
  • 711
  • WPIXDT

Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer

S11, E09  (First Aired: Dec. 5, 2013)
Walden goes on a date with an accident-prone model; Alan's date reveals surprising personal information.
  • Fri 3/3
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
  •  
  •  
  • 711
  • WPIXDT

The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance

S02, E06  (First Aired: Oct. 25, 2004)
Alan denies having shoplifted a toy as a child and fears he has a dark side, until Charlie admits he planted the toy on Alan to stay out of trouble himself.
  • Sat 3/4
  • 10:00AM-10:30AM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana

S02, E07  (First Aired: Nov. 8, 2004)
Charlie and Alan hire Berta's sister (Camryn Manheim) to cater a party their mother has conned them into throwing for her.
  • Sat 3/4
  • 10:30AM-11:00AM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers

S02, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 15, 2004)
Alan gets a taste of what Charlie's sex life is like when he meets a woman at the grocery store who fulfills his every fantasy.
  • Sat 3/4
  • 11:00AM-11:30AM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Yes, Monsignor

S02, E09  (First Aired: Nov. 22, 2004)
Charlie bumps into an old flame he once thought would be Mrs. Right (Denise Richards) and is pleased to learn her marriage did not work out.
  • Sat 3/4
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'

S04, E23  (First Aired: May. 7, 2007)
Charlie loses a woman to the young, handsome handyman (guest star Enrique Iglesias) working at his house.
  • Sat 3/4
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
  •  
  •  
  • 711
  • WPIXDT

Prostitutes and Gelato

S04, E24  (First Aired: May. 14, 2007)
Charlie and Alan must confront their ``daddy issues'' when Evelyn's new boyfriend (Robert Wagner) invites them to Las Vegas on his private jet.
  • Sat 3/4
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
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  • 711
  • WPIXDT

Large Birds, Spiders and Mom

S05, E01  (First Aired: Sep. 24, 2007)
Charlie and Alan try to prepare Jake for his first day of junior high.
  • Sun 3/5
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
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  •  
  • 711
  • WPIXDT

Media Room Slash Dungeon

S05, E02  (First Aired: Oct. 1, 2007)
Charlie behaves strangely after an evening with his mother; Alan's date (Janeane Garofalo) reacts oddly after making love.
  • Sun 3/5
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
  •  
  •  
  • 711
  • WPIXDT

The Salmon Under My Sweater

S02, E10  (First Aired: Nov. 29, 2004)
Charlie is tasked with writing a theme song to one of Jake's favorite comics; things heat up between Alan and Rose.
  • Mon 3/6
  • 3:00PM-3:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Last Chance to See Those Tattoos

S02, E11  (First Aired: Dec. 13, 2004)
Jake discovers an angry Web site devoted to Charlie's womanizing ways.
  • Mon 3/6
  • 3:30PM-4:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover

S03, E02  (First Aired: Sep. 26, 2005)
Alan must see the school principal over a picture Jake drew of a schoolmate and calls Charlie to watch over the boy.
  • Mon 3/6
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
  •  
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  • 711
  • WPIXDT

Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark

S03, E03  (First Aired: Oct. 3, 2005)
Charlie organizes an intervention to keep Alan from reuniting with Judith.
  • Mon 3/6
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
  •  
  •  
  • 711
  • WPIXDT

The Salmon Under My Sweater

S02, E10  (First Aired: Nov. 29, 2004)
Charlie is tasked with writing a theme song to one of Jake's favorite comics; things heat up between Alan and Rose.
  • Tue 3/7
  • 11:00AM-11:30AM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Last Chance to See Those Tattoos

S02, E11  (First Aired: Dec. 13, 2004)
Jake discovers an angry Web site devoted to Charlie's womanizing ways.
  • Tue 3/7
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

A Lungful of Alan

S02, E12  (First Aired: Jan. 3, 2005)
Alan's homely high-school friend (Paget Brewster) returns as a beautiful woman, and the brothers quickly begin competing for her attentions.
  • Tue 3/7
  • 3:00PM-3:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Zejdz Zmoich Wlosow (Get Off My Hair)

S02, E13  (First Aired: Jan. 17, 2005)
When Judith's pipes burst after an earthquake, Alan invites her to stay with him at Charlie's house.
  • Tue 3/7
  • 3:30PM-4:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs

S03, E04  (First Aired: Oct. 10, 2005)
Berta moves into Charlie's house for a few days and plays one brother against the other.
  • Tue 3/7
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
  •  
  •  
  • 711
  • WPIXDT

We Called It Mr. Pinky

S03, E05  (First Aired: Oct. 17, 2005)
Charlie responds inappropriately to a woman's declaration of love, and Rose says his inability to have a long-lasting relationship is due to unresolved issues with his mother.
  • Tue 3/7
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
  •  
  •  
  • 711
  • WPIXDT

A Lungful of Alan

S02, E12  (First Aired: Jan. 3, 2005)
Alan's homely high-school friend (Paget Brewster) returns as a beautiful woman, and the brothers quickly begin competing for her attentions.
  • Wed 3/8
  • 12:30PM-1:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Zejdz Zmoich Wlosow (Get Off My Hair)

S02, E13  (First Aired: Jan. 17, 2005)
When Judith's pipes burst after an earthquake, Alan invites her to stay with him at Charlie's house.
  • Wed 3/8
  • 1:00PM-1:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Those Big Pink Things With Coconuts

S02, E14  (First Aired: Jan. 31, 2005)
Evelyn takes drastic measures to get back into her sons' lives after Alan cuts her off.
  • Wed 3/8
  • 3:00PM-3:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Smell the Umbrella Stand

S02, E15  (First Aired: Feb. 7, 2005)
Charlie tries to distract Alan from an upcoming medical procedure by planning a trip to Las Vegas.
  • Wed 3/8
  • 3:30PM-4:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop

S03, E07  (First Aired: Nov. 7, 2005)
Rose's father (Martin Sheen) confronts Charlie about his intentions toward Rose.
  • Wed 3/8
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
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  • 711
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That Voodoo That I Do Do

S03, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 14, 2005)
Charlie cons Jake into taking ballet lessons in order to get close to the teacher.
  • Wed 3/8
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
  •  
  •  
  • 711
  • WPIXDT

Those Big Pink Things With Coconuts

S02, E14  (First Aired: Jan. 31, 2005)
Evelyn takes drastic measures to get back into her sons' lives after Alan cuts her off.
  • Thu 3/9
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Smell the Umbrella Stand

S02, E15  (First Aired: Feb. 7, 2005)
Charlie tries to distract Alan from an upcoming medical procedure by planning a trip to Las Vegas.
  • Thu 3/9
  • 12:00PM-12:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth?

S02, E16  (First Aired: Feb. 14, 2005)
Judith leaves Jake with Alan and Charlie while she spends a week in Hawaii, and the guys find that caring for Jake on a daily basis is much different from weekend visits.
  • Thu 3/9
  • 3:00PM-3:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Woo-Hoo, A Hernia-Exam!

S02, E17  (First Aired: Feb. 21, 2005)
Charlie eschews Alan's medical advice in favor of a visit to his pretty female doctor after he injures his back during sex.
  • Thu 3/9
  • 3:30PM-4:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Madame and Her Special Friend

S03, E09  (First Aired: Nov. 21, 2005)
A wealthy, elderly woman (Cloris Leachman) sets her sights on Alan.
  • Thu 3/9
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
  •  
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  • 711
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Tazed in the Lady Nuts

S11, E11  (First Aired: Jan. 2, 2014)
Walden teams up with a beautiful former employee (Odette Annable) on a new project; Alan gives Jenny advice about her girlfriend (Aly Michalka).
  • Thu 3/9
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
  •  
  •  
  • 711
  • WPIXDT

Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth?

S02, E16  (First Aired: Feb. 14, 2005)
Judith leaves Jake with Alan and Charlie while she spends a week in Hawaii, and the guys find that caring for Jake on a daily basis is much different from weekend visits.
  • Fri 3/10
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Woo-Hoo, A Hernia-Exam!

S02, E17  (First Aired: Feb. 21, 2005)
Charlie eschews Alan's medical advice in favor of a visit to his pretty female doctor after he injures his back during sex.
  • Fri 3/10
  • 12:00PM-12:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

It Was Mame, Mom

S02, E18  (First Aired: Mar. 7, 2005)
When a gay ad executive invites Charlie to a cocktail party, Charlie makes Alan go with him, as his gay partner.
  • Fri 3/10
  • 5:00PM-5:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

A Low, Gutteral Tongue-Flapping Noise

S02, E19  (First Aired: Mar. 21, 2005)
Alan asks one of Charlie's beautiful ex-girlfriends (Jeri Ryan) on a date, but while they are out he is tormented by thoughts of her with Charlie.
  • Fri 3/10
  • 5:30PM-6:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Something Salted and Twisted

S03, E10  (First Aired: Nov. 28, 2005)
Alan organizes a family dinner to celebrate a newspaper article that calls him a ``good doctor, good neighbor and a good guy,'' but it does not impress his mother.
  • Fri 3/10
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
  •  
  •  
  • 711
  • WPIXDT

Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.

S11, E12  (First Aired: Jan. 9, 2014)
Lyndsey's boyfriend sets Alan up on a date; Walden wants to help Nicole with her project so she will have time to date him.
  • Fri 3/10
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
  •  
  •  
  • 711
  • WPIXDT

I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey

S02, E20  (First Aired: Apr. 18, 2005)
When Charlie and Alan take their personal frustrations out on each other, Rose tries to help the brothers sort out their feelings.
  • Sat 3/11
  • 10:30AM-11:00AM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On

S02, E21  (First Aired: May. 2, 2005)
When Evelyn reads in the obituaries that her second husband, Harry, has died, she attends the funeral with Alan, then is furious to learn that Alan had kept in touch with Harry after the divorce.
  • Sat 3/11
  • 11:00AM-11:30AM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother

S02, E22  (First Aired: May. 9, 2005)
After taking a loan from Evelyn, Alan is guilted into double-dating with her, her new romantic interest and his daughter.
  • Sat 3/11
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab

S02, E23  (First Aired: May. 16, 2005)
Alan is reluctant to leave Jake with Evelyn for a sleepover visit until he finds himself partying with Charlie and a busload of beautiful female volleyball players.
  • Sat 3/11
  • 12:00PM-12:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo

S05, E03  (First Aired: Oct. 8, 2007)
Charlie lets Alan set him up with a woman his own age.
  • Sat 3/11
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 11
  • WPIX
  •  
  •  
  • 711
  • WPIXDT