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Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men

Genre: Sitcom

Chiropractor and single father Alan Harper lives in a beachfront house with divorced Internet billionaire Walden Schmidt, who bought the house following the untimely death of Alan's brother, Charlie. As they acclimate to their living arrangement, the tightly wound Alan finds himself taking on a mentor role with Walden, whose lifelong dependence on being taken care of has left him a bit naive. Despite his unsuccessful romantic history, Alan also tries to help Walden overcome his limited experiences with dating. Berta, a sharp-tongued, unapologetic housekeeper, is also featured in the series.
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    Avg. 2.5 (12,263 ratings)
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All Upcoming Times for Two and a Half Men

Episode Air Date Channel

The Two Finger Rule

S06, E19  (First Aired: Mar. 30, 2009)
Chelsea finds pictures of a naked woman on Charlie's phone.
  • Tue 7/26
  • 11:30PM-12:00AM
  • 11
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Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau

S06, E20  (First Aired: Apr. 13, 2009)
Evelyn finally meets Charlie and Chelsea.
  • Wed 7/27
  • 12:00AM-12:30AM
  • 11
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It Was Mame, Mom

S02, E18  (First Aired: Mar. 7, 2005)
When a gay ad executive invites Charlie to a cocktail party, Charlie makes Alan go with him, as his gay partner.
  • Wed 7/27
  • 12:00PM-12:30PM
  • 40
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  • 767
  • FX HD

I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey

S02, E20  (First Aired: Apr. 18, 2005)
When Charlie and Alan take their personal frustrations out on each other, Rose tries to help the brothers sort out their feelings.
  • Wed 7/27
  • 12:30PM-1:00PM
  • 40
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  • 767
  • FX HD

A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On

S02, E21  (First Aired: May. 2, 2005)
When Evelyn reads in the obituaries that her second husband, Harry, has died, she attends the funeral with Alan, then is furious to learn that Alan had kept in touch with Harry after the divorce.
  • Wed 7/27
  • 3:00PM-3:30PM
  • 40
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  • 767
  • FX HD

That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother

S02, E22  (First Aired: May. 9, 2005)
After taking a loan from Evelyn, Alan is guilted into double-dating with her, her new romantic interest and his daughter.
  • Wed 7/27
  • 3:30PM-4:00PM
  • 40
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  • 767
  • FX HD

Above Exalted Cyclops

S06, E21  (First Aired: Apr. 27, 2009)
Chelsea sets Alan up on a blind date with Rose.
  • Wed 7/27
  • 11:30PM-12:00AM
  • 11
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Sir Lancelot's Litter Box

S06, E22  (First Aired: May. 4, 2009)
Alan finds there is not much room for him left in the house when Charlie reluctantly lets Chelsea move in.
  • Thu 7/28
  • 12:00AM-12:30AM
  • 11
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A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On

S02, E21  (First Aired: May. 2, 2005)
When Evelyn reads in the obituaries that her second husband, Harry, has died, she attends the funeral with Alan, then is furious to learn that Alan had kept in touch with Harry after the divorce.
  • Thu 7/28
  • 12:00PM-12:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother

S02, E22  (First Aired: May. 9, 2005)
After taking a loan from Evelyn, Alan is guilted into double-dating with her, her new romantic interest and his daughter.
  • Thu 7/28
  • 12:30PM-1:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab

S02, E23  (First Aired: May. 16, 2005)
Alan is reluctant to leave Jake with Evelyn for a sleepover visit until he finds himself partying with Charlie and a busload of beautiful female volleyball players.
  • Thu 7/28
  • 3:00PM-3:30PM
  • 40
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  • 767
  • FX HD

Does This Smell Funny to You?

S02, E24  (First Aired: May. 23, 2005)
Charlie unknowingly sleeps with an elderly man's (Orson Bean) hot trophy wife.
  • Thu 7/28
  • 3:30PM-4:00PM
  • 40
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Good Morning Mrs. Butterworth

S06, E23  (First Aired: May. 11, 2009)
When Chelsea and Alan become best friends, Charlie tries to take advantage of the situation.
  • Thu 7/28
  • 11:30PM-12:00AM
  • 11
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Oontz Oontz Oontz

S12, E05  (First Aired: Nov. 27, 2014)
Walden takes in a foster child named Louis but wonders if he made the right decision when they don't bond as he expected.
  • Fri 7/29
  • 12:00AM-12:30AM
  • 11
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Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab

S02, E23  (First Aired: May. 16, 2005)
Alan is reluctant to leave Jake with Evelyn for a sleepover visit until he finds himself partying with Charlie and a busload of beautiful female volleyball players.
  • Fri 7/29
  • 12:00PM-12:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Does This Smell Funny to You?

S02, E24  (First Aired: May. 23, 2005)
Charlie unknowingly sleeps with an elderly man's (Orson Bean) hot trophy wife.
  • Fri 7/29
  • 12:30PM-1:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
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  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Weekend in Bangkok With Two Olympic Gymnasts

S03, E01  (First Aired: Sep. 19, 2005)
After Alan falls off the roof, Charlie volunteers to watch Jake for the weekend.
  • Fri 7/29
  • 4:30PM-5:00PM
  • 40
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Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover

S03, E02  (First Aired: Sep. 26, 2005)
Alan must see the school principal over a picture Jake drew of a schoolmate and calls Charlie to watch over the boy.
  • Fri 7/29
  • 5:00PM-5:30PM
  • 40
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  • 767
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Baseball Was Better With Steroids

S06, E24  (First Aired: May. 18, 2009)
When Charlie finds out that Mia is back in town, he begins to question his relationship with Chelsea; Judith is rushed to the hospital.
  • Fri 7/29
  • 11:30PM-12:00AM
  • 11
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Alan Shot a Little Girl

S12, E06  (First Aired: Dec. 4, 2014)
Alan decides to break Walden's rules so he can keep up an appearance of being cool in front of Louis.
  • Sat 7/30
  • 12:00AM-12:30AM
  • 11
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Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark

S03, E03  (First Aired: Oct. 3, 2005)
Charlie organizes an intervention to keep Alan from reuniting with Judith.
  • Sat 7/30
  • 8:00AM-8:30AM
  • 40
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Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs

S03, E04  (First Aired: Oct. 10, 2005)
Berta moves into Charlie's house for a few days and plays one brother against the other.
  • Sat 7/30
  • 8:30AM-9:00AM
  • 40
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  • 767
  • FX HD

We Called It Mr. Pinky

S03, E05  (First Aired: Oct. 17, 2005)
Charlie responds inappropriately to a woman's declaration of love, and Rose says his inability to have a long-lasting relationship is due to unresolved issues with his mother.
  • Sat 7/30
  • 9:00AM-9:30AM
  • 40
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  • 767
  • FX HD

Hi, Mr. Horned One

S03, E06  (First Aired: Oct. 24, 2005)
Charlie likes dating Isabella (Jodi Lyn O'Keefe), a wild, sexually uninhibited woman, until she threatens to put a curse on his manhood.
  • Sat 7/30
  • 9:30AM-10:00AM
  • 40
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  • 767
  • FX HD

Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup

S08, E13  (First Aired: Jan. 3, 2011)
Alan feels paranoid when Lyndsey becomes friendly with Charlie.
  • Sat 7/30
  • 6:30PM-7:00PM
  • 11
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Dead From the Waist Down

S08, E11  (First Aired: Dec. 6, 2010)
Ashamed that he can't afford to buy a birthday present for Lyndsey, Alan gets creative.
  • Sat 7/30
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 11
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Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead

S08, E12  (First Aired: Dec. 13, 2010)
Depressed after his breakup from Courtney (Jenny McCarthy), Charlie goes to see his psychiatrist (Jane Lynch).
  • Sat 7/30
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 11
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Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark

S03, E03  (First Aired: Oct. 3, 2005)
Charlie organizes an intervention to keep Alan from reuniting with Judith.
  • Sun 7/31
  • 2:00AM-2:30AM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs

S03, E04  (First Aired: Oct. 10, 2005)
Berta moves into Charlie's house for a few days and plays one brother against the other.
  • Sun 7/31
  • 2:30AM-3:00AM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop

S03, E07  (First Aired: Nov. 7, 2005)
Rose's father (Martin Sheen) confronts Charlie about his intentions toward Rose.
  • Mon 8/1
  • 3:30PM-4:00PM
  • 40
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  • 767
  • FX HD

That Voodoo That I Do Do

S03, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 14, 2005)
Charlie cons Jake into taking ballet lessons in order to get close to the teacher.
  • Mon 8/1
  • 4:00PM-4:30PM
  • 40
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  • 767
  • FX HD

818-jklpuzo

S07, E01  (First Aired: Sep. 21, 2009)
Charlie must decide between his fiancee, Chelsea, and his former girlfriend, Mia.
  • Mon 8/1
  • 11:30PM-12:00AM
  • 11
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Whipped Unto the Third Generation

S07, E02  (First Aired: Sep. 28, 2009)
Charlie's house is taken over by women when Chelsea convinces him to let Alan's girlfriend move in.
  • Tue 8/2
  • 12:00AM-12:30AM
  • 11
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  • 711
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Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop

S03, E07  (First Aired: Nov. 7, 2005)
Rose's father (Martin Sheen) confronts Charlie about his intentions toward Rose.
  • Tue 8/2
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

That Voodoo That I Do Do

S03, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 14, 2005)
Charlie cons Jake into taking ballet lessons in order to get close to the teacher.
  • Tue 8/2
  • 12:00PM-12:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Madame and Her Special Friend

S03, E09  (First Aired: Nov. 21, 2005)
A wealthy, elderly woman (Cloris Leachman) sets her sights on Alan.
  • Tue 8/2
  • 3:00PM-3:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
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  • 767
  • FX HD

Something Salted and Twisted

S03, E10  (First Aired: Nov. 28, 2005)
Alan organizes a family dinner to celebrate a newspaper article that calls him a ``good doctor, good neighbor and a good guy,'' but it does not impress his mother.
  • Tue 8/2
  • 3:30PM-4:00PM
  • 40
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  • 767
  • FX HD

Mmm, Fish. Yum

S07, E03  (First Aired: Oct. 5, 2009)
Alan cares for Judith's baby and her tipsy mother; Jake uses an incriminating picture to blackmail Charlie.
  • Tue 8/2
  • 11:30PM-12:00AM
  • 11
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Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator

S07, E04  (First Aired: Oct. 12, 2009)
Alan takes a job working for Evelyn; Charlie must mend Chelsea and Jake's rocky relationship.
  • Wed 8/3
  • 12:00AM-12:30AM
  • 11
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  • 711
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Madame and Her Special Friend

S03, E09  (First Aired: Nov. 21, 2005)
A wealthy, elderly woman (Cloris Leachman) sets her sights on Alan.
  • Wed 8/3
  • 12:00PM-12:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Something Salted and Twisted

S03, E10  (First Aired: Nov. 28, 2005)
Alan organizes a family dinner to celebrate a newspaper article that calls him a ``good doctor, good neighbor and a good guy,'' but it does not impress his mother.
  • Wed 8/3
  • 12:30PM-1:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

That Special Tug

S03, E12  (First Aired: Jan. 9, 2006)
Alan's emotional breakdown after dropping Jake off for a weekend away sends Charlie to a therapist.
  • Wed 8/3
  • 3:00PM-3:30PM
  • 40
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  • 767
  • FX HD

Humiliation Is a Visual Medium

S03, E13  (First Aired: Jan. 23, 2006)
Charlie must deal with the challenges of a committed relationship that is not based on sex.
  • Wed 8/3
  • 3:30PM-4:00PM
  • 40
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  • 767
  • FX HD

For the Sake of the Child

S07, E05  (First Aired: Oct. 19, 2009)
After they embarrass him in public, Jake refuses to stay with Charlie and Alan.
  • Wed 8/3
  • 11:30PM-12:00AM
  • 11
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Give Me Your Thumb

S07, E06  (First Aired: Nov. 2, 2009)
Alan suggests that Chelsea get breast-reduction surgery, and Charlie kicks him out.
  • Thu 8/4
  • 12:00AM-12:30AM
  • 11
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That Special Tug

S03, E12  (First Aired: Jan. 9, 2006)
Alan's emotional breakdown after dropping Jake off for a weekend away sends Charlie to a therapist.
  • Thu 8/4
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Humiliation Is a Visual Medium

S03, E13  (First Aired: Jan. 23, 2006)
Charlie must deal with the challenges of a committed relationship that is not based on sex.
  • Thu 8/4
  • 12:00PM-12:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded

S03, E14  (First Aired: Feb. 6, 2006)
Charlie plans a romantic date with Mia in hopes of consummating their relationship; Alan starts dating Charlie's most recent ex-girlfriend.
  • Thu 8/4
  • 3:30PM-4:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
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  • 767
  • FX HD

My Tongue Is Meat

S03, E15  (First Aired: Feb. 27, 2006)
When Charlie finds he can no longer handle the healthy lifestyle that Mia has imposed on him, he sneaks cigars, beer and burgers into the garage.
  • Thu 8/4
  • 4:00PM-4:30PM
  • 40
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  • 767
  • FX HD

Untainted by Filth

S07, E07  (First Aired: Nov. 9, 2009)
Charlie and Alan wake up together in bed with a strange woman.
  • Thu 8/4
  • 11:30PM-12:00AM
  • 11
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Sex With an Animated Ed Asner

S12, E07  (First Aired: Dec. 11, 2014)
Walden and Alan befriend three mothers, but things get complicated when Walden becomes attracted to one of them; Alan joins a group of moms on a girls night.
  • Fri 8/5
  • 12:00AM-12:30AM
  • 11
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  • 711
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Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded

S03, E14  (First Aired: Feb. 6, 2006)
Charlie plans a romantic date with Mia in hopes of consummating their relationship; Alan starts dating Charlie's most recent ex-girlfriend.
  • Fri 8/5
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

My Tongue Is Meat

S03, E15  (First Aired: Feb. 27, 2006)
When Charlie finds he can no longer handle the healthy lifestyle that Mia has imposed on him, he sneaks cigars, beer and burgers into the garage.
  • Fri 8/5
  • 12:00PM-12:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Ergo, the Booty Call

S03, E16  (First Aired: Mar. 6, 2006)
Alan tries to avoid bringing his sexy 22-year-old girlfriend to Jake's birthday party.
  • Fri 8/5
  • 4:30PM-5:00PM
  • 40
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  • 767
  • FX HD

The Unfortunate Little Schnauser

S03, E17  (First Aired: Mar. 13, 2006)
Charlie boycotts an advertising awards banquet, having lost several years in a row to his nemesis, Archie (Jon Lovitz).
  • Fri 8/5
  • 5:00PM-5:30PM
  • 40
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  • 767
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Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.

S07, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 16, 2009)
Chelsea tries to help her beautiful college roommate get over a bad breakup.
  • Fri 8/5
  • 11:30PM-12:00AM
  • 11
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Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey

S12, E08  (First Aired: Dec. 18, 2014)
Alan and Walden are determined to convince Louis that Santa Claus is real.
  • Sat 8/6
  • 12:00AM-12:30AM
  • 11
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The Spit-Covered Cobbler

S03, E18  (First Aired: Mar. 20, 2006)
Paying his young girlfriend's bills financially straps Alan.
  • Sat 8/6
  • 8:00AM-8:30AM
  • 40
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  • 767
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Golly Moses, She's a Muffin

S03, E19  (First Aired: Apr. 10, 2006)
Kandi moves in with Alan, causing tension in the house, since Charlie is having a dry spell with women.
  • Sat 8/6
  • 8:30AM-9:00AM
  • 40
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  • 767
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Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro

S03, E20  (First Aired: Apr. 24, 2006)
Charlie sleeps with Kandi's mother, as Alan tries to win her daughter back; Kandi arranges a date between her father and Judith.
  • Sat 8/6
  • 9:00AM-9:30AM
  • 40
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And the Plot Moistens

S03, E21  (First Aired: May. 1, 2006)
Alan finds that he has more in common with Jake's teacher than with Kandi; Charlie helps Jake prepare a song for his audition for the school musical.
  • Sat 8/6
  • 9:30AM-10:00AM
  • 40
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Pilot

S01, E01  (First Aired: Sep. 22, 2003)
Charlie's life turns upside down when his brother and nephew move in; at the supermarket, Charlie discovers he can use 10-year-old Jake to attract women.
  • Sat 8/6
  • 6:30PM-7:00PM
  • 11
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That Darn Priest

S08, E16  (First Aired: Feb. 14, 2011)
Rose discovers Alan's Ponzi scheme; Alan meets Rose's ``husband''; Charlie tries to get time alone with Rose.
  • Sat 8/6
  • 7:00PM-7:30PM
  • 11
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Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt

S09, E01  (First Aired: Sep. 19, 2011)
After saying goodbye to the late Charlie Harper, Alan meets Walden Schmidt (Ashton Kutcher), a broken-hearted billionaire.
  • Sat 8/6
  • 7:30PM-8:00PM
  • 11
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The Spit-Covered Cobbler

S03, E18  (First Aired: Mar. 20, 2006)
Paying his young girlfriend's bills financially straps Alan.
  • Sun 8/7
  • 2:30AM-3:00AM
  • 40
  • FX
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  • 767
  • FX HD

Golly Moses, She's a Muffin

S03, E19  (First Aired: Apr. 10, 2006)
Kandi moves in with Alan, causing tension in the house, since Charlie is having a dry spell with women.
  • Sun 8/7
  • 3:00AM-3:30AM
  • 40
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  • 767
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Just Once With Aunt Sophie

S03, E22  (First Aired: May. 8, 2006)
Charlie and Alan help Jake prepare for his first boy-girl party.
  • Mon 8/8
  • 4:00PM-4:30PM
  • 40
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  • 767
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Arguments for the Quickie

S03, E23  (First Aired: May. 15, 2006)
Charlie's former girlfriend (Emmanuelle Vaugier) returns with an unexpected request.
  • Mon 8/8
  • 4:30PM-5:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
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  • 767
  • FX HD

No Episode Title

(First Aired: Sep. 22, 2003)
The social interactions of a group of misfits, including a divorcee and an Internet billionaire.
  • Mon 8/8
  • 11:30PM-12:00AM
  • 11
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  • Tue 8/9
  • 12:00AM-12:30AM
  • 11
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Just Once With Aunt Sophie

S03, E22  (First Aired: May. 8, 2006)
Charlie and Alan help Jake prepare for his first boy-girl party.
  • Tue 8/9
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

Arguments for the Quickie

S03, E23  (First Aired: May. 15, 2006)
Charlie's former girlfriend (Emmanuelle Vaugier) returns with an unexpected request.
  • Tue 8/9
  • 12:00PM-12:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
  •  
  • 767
  • FX HD

That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite

S03, E24  (First Aired: May. 22, 2006)
Charlie and Mia plan their wedding despite complications on both sides of the family.
  • Tue 8/9
  • 3:30PM-4:00PM
  • 40
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  • 767
  • FX HD

Working for Caligula

S04, E01  (First Aired: Sep. 18, 2006)
Charlie returns to his bachelor lifestyle; Alan breaks down following his second divorce.
  • Tue 8/9
  • 4:00PM-4:30PM
  • 40
  • FX
  •  
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  • 767
  • FX HD