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Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men

Genre: Sitcom

Chiropractor and single father Alan Harper lives in a beachfront house with divorced Internet billionaire Walden Schmidt, who bought the house following the untimely death of Alan's brother, Charlie. As they acclimate to their living arrangement, the tightly wound Alan finds himself taking on a mentor role with Walden, whose lifelong dependence on being taken care of has left him a bit naive. Despite his unsuccessful romantic history, Alan also tries to help Walden overcome his limited experiences with dating. Berta, a sharp-tongued, unapologetic housekeeper, is also featured in the series.
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    Avg. 2.5 (12,263 ratings)
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All Upcoming Times for Two and a Half Men

Episode Air Date Channel

A Good Time in Central Africa

S08, E09  (First Aired: Nov. 15, 2010)
Charlie falls for the woman who replaces Berta on her days off; Alan thinks Lyndsey's ex-husband is stalking him.
  • Wed 9/28
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Ow, Ow, Don't Stop

S08, E10  (First Aired: Nov. 22, 2010)
Charlie goes on a spending spree for old fling Courtney when she shows up after being in prison for three years.
  • Wed 9/28
  • 12:00PM-12:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

Dead From the Waist Down

S08, E11  (First Aired: Dec. 6, 2010)
Ashamed that he can't afford to buy a birthday present for Lyndsey, Alan gets creative.
  • Wed 9/28
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead

S08, E12  (First Aired: Dec. 13, 2010)
Depressed after his breakup from Courtney (Jenny McCarthy), Charlie goes to see his psychiatrist (Jane Lynch).
  • Wed 9/28
  • 3:00PM-3:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers

S02, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 15, 2004)
Alan gets a taste of what Charlie's sex life is like when he meets a woman at the grocery store who fulfills his every fantasy.
  • Wed 9/28
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Yes, Monsignor

S02, E09  (First Aired: Nov. 22, 2004)
Charlie bumps into an old flame he once thought would be Mrs. Right (Denise Richards) and is pleased to learn her marriage did not work out.
  • Wed 9/28
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Dead From the Waist Down

S08, E11  (First Aired: Dec. 6, 2010)
Ashamed that he can't afford to buy a birthday present for Lyndsey, Alan gets creative.
  • Thu 9/29
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead

S08, E12  (First Aired: Dec. 13, 2010)
Depressed after his breakup from Courtney (Jenny McCarthy), Charlie goes to see his psychiatrist (Jane Lynch).
  • Thu 9/29
  • 12:00PM-12:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup

S08, E13  (First Aired: Jan. 3, 2011)
Alan feels paranoid when Lyndsey becomes friendly with Charlie.
  • Thu 9/29
  • 2:00PM-2:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

Looking' for Japanese Subs

S08, E14  (First Aired: Jan. 17, 2011)
Charlie begins stalking Rose (Melanie Lynskey); Alan becomes concerned when Eldridge and Jake begin videotaping dangerous stunts.
  • Thu 9/29
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

The Salmon Under My Sweater

S02, E10  (First Aired: Nov. 29, 2004)
Charlie is tasked with writing a theme song to one of Jake's favorite comics; things heat up between Alan and Rose.
  • Thu 9/29
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Thank You for the Intercourse

S09, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 7, 2011)
Alan becomes extremely emotional when Walden redecorates the beach house.
  • Thu 9/29
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup

S08, E13  (First Aired: Jan. 3, 2011)
Alan feels paranoid when Lyndsey becomes friendly with Charlie.
  • Fri 9/30
  • 10:00AM-10:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

Looking' for Japanese Subs

S08, E14  (First Aired: Jan. 17, 2011)
Charlie begins stalking Rose (Melanie Lynskey); Alan becomes concerned when Eldridge and Jake begin videotaping dangerous stunts.
  • Fri 9/30
  • 10:30AM-11:00AM
  • 31
  • FX

Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak

S08, E15  (First Aired: Feb. 7, 2011)
Charlie and Rose continue their affair; Alan's business becomes a Ponzi scheme.
  • Fri 9/30
  • 4:00PM-4:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

That Darn Priest

S08, E16  (First Aired: Feb. 14, 2011)
Rose discovers Alan's Ponzi scheme; Alan meets Rose's ``husband''; Charlie tries to get time alone with Rose.
  • Fri 9/30
  • 4:30PM-5:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Last Chance to See Those Tattoos

S02, E11  (First Aired: Dec. 13, 2004)
Jake discovers an angry Web site devoted to Charlie's womanizing ways.
  • Fri 9/30
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Frodo's Headshots

S09, E09  (First Aired: Nov. 14, 2011)
After being released from the hospital, Alan is confronted with challenges that test his mental stability.
  • Fri 9/30
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt

S09, E01  (First Aired: Sep. 19, 2011)
After saying goodbye to the late Charlie Harper, Alan meets Walden Schmidt (Ashton Kutcher), a broken-hearted billionaire.
  • Sat 10/1
  • 8:00AM-8:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

People Who Love Peepholes

S09, E02  (First Aired: Sep. 26, 2011)
Walden's ex-wife, Bridget (Judy Greer), turns up.
  • Sat 10/1
  • 8:30AM-9:00AM
  • 31
  • FX

The Mooch at the Boo

S06, E09  (First Aired: Nov. 24, 2008)
Charlie is left to cover when Jake disappears with the neighbor's daughter; Alan scores a hot date, thanks in part to Charlie's car.
  • Sat 10/1
  • 8:00PM-8:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited

S06, E10  (First Aired: Dec. 8, 2008)
When Evelyn offers to pay for Jake's college education, Alan wonders if he ever needs to work again.
  • Sat 10/1
  • 8:30PM-9:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

A Giant Cat Holding a Churro

S09, E05  (First Aired: Oct. 17, 2011)
Alan tries to come to terms with Lyndsey's past; Walden throws a party at the house.
  • Mon 10/3
  • 2:00PM-2:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

The Squat and the Hover

S09, E06  (First Aired: Oct. 24, 2011)
Depressed after receiving divorce papers, Walden cheers up when he meets a woman who looks very similar to his ex, Bridget (Judy Greer).
  • Mon 10/3
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

A Lungful of Alan

S02, E12  (First Aired: Jan. 3, 2005)
Alan's homely high-school friend (Paget Brewster) returns as a beautiful woman, and the brothers quickly begin competing for her attentions.
  • Mon 10/3
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Zejdz Zmoich Wlosow (Get Off My Hair)

S02, E13  (First Aired: Jan. 17, 2005)
When Judith's pipes burst after an earthquake, Alan invites her to stay with him at Charlie's house.
  • Mon 10/3
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

A Giant Cat Holding a Churro

S09, E05  (First Aired: Oct. 17, 2011)
Alan tries to come to terms with Lyndsey's past; Walden throws a party at the house.
  • Tue 10/4
  • 10:30AM-11:00AM
  • 31
  • FX

The Squat and the Hover

S09, E06  (First Aired: Oct. 24, 2011)
Depressed after receiving divorce papers, Walden cheers up when he meets a woman who looks very similar to his ex, Bridget (Judy Greer).
  • Tue 10/4
  • 11:00AM-11:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

Those Fancy Japanese Toilets

S09, E07  (First Aired: Oct. 31, 2011)
Jake has feelings for his chemistry tutor, but she has a crush on Walden; Alan becomes obsessed with the journal his brother left him in his will.
  • Tue 10/4
  • 2:00PM-2:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

Thank You for the Intercourse

S09, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 7, 2011)
Alan becomes extremely emotional when Walden redecorates the beach house.
  • Tue 10/4
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Those Big Pink Things With Coconuts

S02, E14  (First Aired: Jan. 31, 2005)
Evelyn takes drastic measures to get back into her sons' lives after Alan cuts her off.
  • Tue 10/4
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Smell the Umbrella Stand

S02, E15  (First Aired: Feb. 7, 2005)
Charlie tries to distract Alan from an upcoming medical procedure by planning a trip to Las Vegas.
  • Tue 10/4
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Those Fancy Japanese Toilets

S09, E07  (First Aired: Oct. 31, 2011)
Jake has feelings for his chemistry tutor, but she has a crush on Walden; Alan becomes obsessed with the journal his brother left him in his will.
  • Wed 10/5
  • 11:00AM-11:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

Thank You for the Intercourse

S09, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 7, 2011)
Alan becomes extremely emotional when Walden redecorates the beach house.
  • Wed 10/5
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Frodo's Headshots

S09, E09  (First Aired: Nov. 14, 2011)
After being released from the hospital, Alan is confronted with challenges that test his mental stability.
  • Wed 10/5
  • 2:00PM-2:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes

S09, E10  (First Aired: Nov. 21, 2011)
Walden meets an attractive British woman but remains hesitant to start dating.
  • Wed 10/5
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth?

S02, E16  (First Aired: Feb. 14, 2005)
Judith leaves Jake with Alan and Charlie while she spends a week in Hawaii, and the guys find that caring for Jake on a daily basis is much different from weekend visits.
  • Wed 10/5
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Woo-Hoo, A Hernia-Exam!

S02, E17  (First Aired: Feb. 21, 2005)
Charlie eschews Alan's medical advice in favor of a visit to his pretty female doctor after he injures his back during sex.
  • Wed 10/5
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Frodo's Headshots

S09, E09  (First Aired: Nov. 14, 2011)
After being released from the hospital, Alan is confronted with challenges that test his mental stability.
  • Thu 10/6
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes

S09, E10  (First Aired: Nov. 21, 2011)
Walden meets an attractive British woman but remains hesitant to start dating.
  • Thu 10/6
  • 12:00PM-12:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

What a Lovely Landing Strip

S09, E11  (First Aired: Dec. 5, 2011)
Bridget (Judy Greer) reappears in Walden's life as he is trying to impress a new love interest.
  • Thu 10/6
  • 2:00PM-2:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

Slowly and in a Circular Fashion

S09, E13  (First Aired: Jan. 2, 2012)
When Walden's mother (Mimi Rogers) and ex-wife (Judy Greer) try to take over his company, he turns to Alan for help.
  • Thu 10/6
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

It Was Mame, Mom

S02, E18  (First Aired: Mar. 7, 2005)
When a gay ad executive invites Charlie to a cocktail party, Charlie makes Alan go with him, as his gay partner.
  • Thu 10/6
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy

S09, E16  (First Aired: Feb. 13, 2012)
When a huge storm keeps Walden, Alan, Zoey and Lindsay at home on Valentine's Day, conflict brews and relationships are strained.
  • Thu 10/6
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

What a Lovely Landing Strip

S09, E11  (First Aired: Dec. 5, 2011)
Bridget (Judy Greer) reappears in Walden's life as he is trying to impress a new love interest.
  • Fri 10/7
  • 10:00AM-10:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

Slowly and in a Circular Fashion

S09, E13  (First Aired: Jan. 2, 2012)
When Walden's mother (Mimi Rogers) and ex-wife (Judy Greer) try to take over his company, he turns to Alan for help.
  • Fri 10/7
  • 10:30AM-11:00AM
  • 31
  • FX

A Possum on Chemo

S09, E14  (First Aired: Jan. 16, 2012)
Zoey tries to convince Walden to cut his hair and shave; Alan and Lyndsey revive their relationship.
  • Fri 10/7
  • 3:30PM-4:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack

S09, E15  (First Aired: Feb. 6, 2012)
Walden tries to loosen Zooey up by sharing some of Berta's special brownies.
  • Fri 10/7
  • 4:00PM-4:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

A Low, Gutteral Tongue-Flapping Noise

S02, E19  (First Aired: Mar. 21, 2005)
Alan asks one of Charlie's beautiful ex-girlfriends (Jeri Ryan) on a date, but while they are out he is tormented by thoughts of her with Charlie.
  • Fri 10/7
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Not in My Mouth!

S09, E17  (First Aired: Feb. 20, 2012)
A near-death experience has an adverse effect on Zoey and Walden's relationship; Alan thinks Lyndsey may have a drinking problem.
  • Fri 10/7
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW
  • Sat 10/8
  • 8:00AM-8:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

The War Against Gingivitis

S09, E18  (First Aired: Feb. 27, 2012)
Walden's ex-business partner shows up at the beach house looking to make peace.
  • Sat 10/8
  • 8:30AM-9:00AM
  • 31
  • FX

Palmdale, Ech

S09, E19  (First Aired: Mar. 19, 2012)
Alan and Lyndsey introduce their mothers; Jake and Eldridge get a ride from Walden to a party.
  • Sat 10/8
  • 9:00AM-9:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

Grandma's Pie

S09, E20  (First Aired: Apr. 9, 2012)
Walden tells Zoey that he will be going into business with his ex-wife (Judy Greer); Lyndsey and Alan grapple with their mothers' new relationship.
  • Sat 10/8
  • 9:30AM-10:00AM
  • 31
  • FX

I Think You Offended Don

S06, E13  (First Aired: Jan. 19, 2009)
Judith is pregnant with a baby girl, and Alan is convinced he is the father; Jake is in a contentious mood, and Charlie thinks he knows why.
  • Sat 10/8
  • 8:00PM-8:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie

S06, E14  (First Aired: Feb. 2, 2009)
Convinced that Alan is not appreciated by his family, Melissa asks him to live with her and her mother.
  • Sat 10/8
  • 8:30PM-9:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Mr. Hose Says Yes

S09, E21  (First Aired: Apr. 16, 2012)
Zoey and her daughter move in with Walden; Alan gets more than he bargained for with Lyndsey.
  • Mon 10/10
  • 2:00PM-2:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

Why We Gave Up Women

S09, E22  (First Aired: Apr. 30, 2012)
When Alan has a heart attack, Charlie's ghost (Kathy Bates) visits him.
  • Mon 10/10
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey

S02, E20  (First Aired: Apr. 18, 2005)
When Charlie and Alan take their personal frustrations out on each other, Rose tries to help the brothers sort out their feelings.
  • Mon 10/10
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On

S02, E21  (First Aired: May. 2, 2005)
When Evelyn reads in the obituaries that her second husband, Harry, has died, she attends the funeral with Alan, then is furious to learn that Alan had kept in touch with Harry after the divorce.
  • Mon 10/10
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Mr. Hose Says Yes

S09, E21  (First Aired: Apr. 16, 2012)
Zoey and her daughter move in with Walden; Alan gets more than he bargained for with Lyndsey.
  • Tue 10/11
  • 10:30AM-11:00AM
  • 31
  • FX

Why We Gave Up Women

S09, E22  (First Aired: Apr. 30, 2012)
When Alan has a heart attack, Charlie's ghost (Kathy Bates) visits him.
  • Tue 10/11
  • 11:00AM-11:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

The Straw in My Donut Hole

S09, E23  (First Aired: May. 7, 2012)
Zoey isn't convinced Alan deserves all the love and affection he receives upon his return from the hospital.
  • Tue 10/11
  • 2:00PM-2:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!

S09, E24  (First Aired: May. 14, 2012)
Jake graduates and must decide what to do with his life.
  • Tue 10/11
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother

S02, E22  (First Aired: May. 9, 2005)
After taking a loan from Evelyn, Alan is guilted into double-dating with her, her new romantic interest and his daughter.
  • Tue 10/11
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab

S02, E23  (First Aired: May. 16, 2005)
Alan is reluctant to leave Jake with Evelyn for a sleepover visit until he finds himself partying with Charlie and a busload of beautiful female volleyball players.
  • Tue 10/11
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW