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Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men

Genre: Sitcom

Chiropractor and single father Alan Harper lives in a beachfront house with divorced Internet billionaire Walden Schmidt, who bought the house following the untimely death of Alan's brother, Charlie. As they acclimate to their living arrangement, the tightly wound Alan finds himself taking on a mentor role with Walden, whose lifelong dependence on being taken care of has left him a bit naive. Despite his unsuccessful romantic history, Alan also tries to help Walden overcome his limited experiences with dating. Berta, a sharp-tongued, unapologetic housekeeper, is also featured in the series.
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    Avg. 2.5 (12,263 ratings)
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All Upcoming Times for Two and a Half Men

Episode Air Date Channel

This Unblessed Biscuit

S11, E03  (First Aired: Oct. 10, 2013)
When Berta hurts her back at work, Alan and Walden think she should retire.
  • Fri 5/25
  • 9:00AM-9:36AM
  • 44
  • Paramount

Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank

S11, E04  (First Aired: Oct. 17, 2013)
Walden parties with Jenny and her attractive friends; Alan's illicit affair with Lyndsey is jeopardized.
  • Fri 5/25
  • 9:36AM-10:12AM
  • 44
  • Paramount

Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003

S11, E05  (First Aired: Oct. 24, 2013)
Alan tries to find out what Lyndsey's boyfriend has over him; Walden helps Jenny pursue her acting career.
  • Fri 5/25
  • 10:12AM-10:48AM
  • 44
  • Paramount

Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants

S11, E06  (First Aired: Nov. 7, 2013)
Alan wants to set up a date with Lynda Carter once he learns Walden knows her; Walden begrudgingly agrees to invite Lynda over for dinner.
  • Fri 5/25
  • 10:48AM-11:24AM
  • 44
  • Paramount

Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie

S11, E07  (First Aired: Nov. 14, 2013)
Lyndsey's jealousy disrupts Walden's and Alan's dates with beautiful women.
  • Fri 5/25
  • 11:24AM-12:00PM
  • 44
  • Paramount

Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell

S01, E03  (First Aired: Oct. 6, 2003)
One drink too many emboldens the brothers to stand up to their controlling mother.
  • Fri 5/25
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap

S01, E04  (First Aired: Oct. 13, 2003)
Alan offers to help get Charlie's cleaning lady back if Charlie can get Jake ready to go out to dinner with his mother.
  • Fri 5/25
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Madame and Her Special Friend

S03, E09  (First Aired: Nov. 21, 2005)
A wealthy, elderly woman (Cloris Leachman) sets her sights on Alan.
  • Sat 5/26
  • 12:00AM-12:35AM
  • 46
  • Nick

Something Salted and Twisted

S03, E10  (First Aired: Nov. 28, 2005)
Alan organizes a family dinner to celebrate a newspaper article that calls him a ``good doctor, good neighbor and a good guy,'' but it does not impress his mother.
  • Sat 5/26
  • 12:35AM-1:09AM
  • 46
  • Nick

The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance

S02, E06  (First Aired: Oct. 25, 2004)
Alan denies having shoplifted a toy as a child and fears he has a dark side, until Charlie admits he planted the toy on Alan to stay out of trouble himself.
  • Sat 5/26
  • 8:00PM-8:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana

S02, E07  (First Aired: Nov. 8, 2004)
Charlie and Alan hire Berta's sister (Camryn Manheim) to cater a party their mother has conned them into throwing for her.
  • Sat 5/26
  • 8:30PM-9:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

That Special Tug

S03, E12  (First Aired: Jan. 9, 2006)
Alan's emotional breakdown after dropping Jake off for a weekend away sends Charlie to a therapist.
  • Sun 5/27
  • 12:00AM-12:35AM
  • 46
  • Nick

Humiliation Is a Visual Medium

S03, E13  (First Aired: Jan. 23, 2006)
Charlie must deal with the challenges of a committed relationship that is not based on sex.
  • Sun 5/27
  • 12:35AM-1:09AM
  • 46
  • Nick

The Unfortunate Little Schnauser

S03, E17  (First Aired: Mar. 13, 2006)
Charlie boycotts an advertising awards banquet, having lost several years in a row to his nemesis, Archie (Jon Lovitz).
  • Mon 5/28
  • 12:00AM-12:35AM
  • 46
  • Nick

The Spit-Covered Cobbler

S03, E18  (First Aired: Mar. 20, 2006)
Paying his young girlfriend's bills financially straps Alan.
  • Mon 5/28
  • 12:35AM-1:09AM
  • 46
  • Nick

The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up With a Hump

S01, E05  (First Aired: Oct. 20, 2003)
Charlie and Alan meet several women while attending one of Jake's soccer games.
  • Mon 5/28
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?

S01, E06  (First Aired: Oct. 27, 2003)
After Evelyn's new beau dumps her, Charlie and Alan enlist Jake to cheer her up; Charlie teaches Jake a lesson about screening telephone calls from women.
  • Mon 5/28
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Pilot

S01, E01  (First Aired: Sep. 22, 2003)
Charlie's life turns upside down when his brother and nephew move in; at the supermarket, Charlie discovers he can use 10-year-old Jake to attract women.
  • Tue 5/29
  • 9:00AM-9:30AM
  • 44
  • Paramount

Big Flappy Bastards

S01, E02  (First Aired: Sep. 29, 2003)
Charlie doesn't know how to discipline Jake for luring a flock of sea gulls into his room; Judith surprises Alan when he goes home to fix her sprinklers.
  • Tue 5/29
  • 9:30AM-10:00AM
  • 44
  • Paramount

Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell

S01, E03  (First Aired: Oct. 6, 2003)
One drink too many emboldens the brothers to stand up to their controlling mother.
  • Tue 5/29
  • 10:00AM-10:30AM
  • 44
  • Paramount

If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap

S01, E04  (First Aired: Oct. 13, 2003)
Alan offers to help get Charlie's cleaning lady back if Charlie can get Jake ready to go out to dinner with his mother.
  • Tue 5/29
  • 10:30AM-11:00AM
  • 44
  • Paramount

The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up With a Hump

S01, E05  (First Aired: Oct. 20, 2003)
Charlie and Alan meet several women while attending one of Jake's soccer games.
  • Tue 5/29
  • 11:00AM-11:30AM
  • 44
  • Paramount

Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?

S01, E06  (First Aired: Oct. 27, 2003)
After Evelyn's new beau dumps her, Charlie and Alan enlist Jake to cheer her up; Charlie teaches Jake a lesson about screening telephone calls from women.
  • Tue 5/29
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 44
  • Paramount

If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake

S01, E07  (First Aired: Nov. 3, 2003)
For a school assignment, Jake draws the tattooed buttocks of Charlie's female friend.
  • Tue 5/29
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful

S01, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 10, 2003)
Charlie realizes Jake's classmates know the words to all of his jingles, and he is inspired to craft the fourth-grade musical with unusual results.
  • Tue 5/29
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

A Pot-Smoking Monkey

S04, E04  (First Aired: Oct. 9, 2006)
After their split, Alan wants to gain custody of his and Kandi's dog.
  • Wed 5/30
  • 12:00AM-12:35AM
  • 46
  • Nick

A Live Woman of Proven Fertility

S04, E05  (First Aired: Oct. 16, 2006)
Herb (Ryan Stiles) and Jake's relationship threatens wedding plans with Judith, so Alan and Charlie take action.
  • Wed 5/30
  • 12:35AM-1:09AM
  • 46
  • Nick

If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake

S01, E07  (First Aired: Nov. 3, 2003)
For a school assignment, Jake draws the tattooed buttocks of Charlie's female friend.
  • Wed 5/30
  • 9:00AM-9:30AM
  • 44
  • Paramount

Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful

S01, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 10, 2003)
Charlie realizes Jake's classmates know the words to all of his jingles, and he is inspired to craft the fourth-grade musical with unusual results.
  • Wed 5/30
  • 9:30AM-10:00AM
  • 44
  • Paramount

Camel Filters and Pheremones

S01, E12  (First Aired: Jan. 5, 2004)
The housekeeper's beautiful granddaughter comes to work with her and attracts the attention of the men; Alan tries to convince Judith that Charlie's house is good for Jake.
  • Wed 5/30
  • 10:00AM-10:30AM
  • 44
  • Paramount

Sarah Like Puny Alan

S01, E13  (First Aired: Jan. 12, 2004)
Charlie sets his ailing brother up on a date, then drags him to a steam room to help him get rid of his flu symptoms.
  • Wed 5/30
  • 10:30AM-11:00AM
  • 44
  • Paramount

I Can't Afford Hyenas

S01, E14  (First Aired: Feb. 2, 2004)
Charlie realizes he's broke when his credit card is declined at the grocery store. Richard Lewis guest stars.
  • Wed 5/30
  • 11:00AM-11:30AM
  • 44
  • Paramount

Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick

S01, E15  (First Aired: Feb. 9, 2004)
Against Alan's judgment, Charlie falls for a seemingly crazy woman named Frankie. Guest star: Jenna Elfman.
  • Wed 5/30
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 44
  • Paramount

Phase One, Complete

S01, E09  (First Aired: Nov. 17, 2003)
Jake and Evelyn befriend one of Charlie's one-night stands, causing her to stay longer than expected.
  • Wed 5/30
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor

S01, E11  (First Aired: Dec. 15, 2003)
Alan reluctantly agrees to a makeover after running into his ex-wife and her new beau; when the brothers go shopping, they clash over what to buy.
  • Wed 5/30
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Release the Dogs

S04, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 13, 2006)
Alan takes Charlie's suggestion of a jog on the beach to cure his insomnia; Jake pleads with Charlie not to date the mother of a girl he likes.
  • Thu 5/31
  • 12:00AM-12:35AM
  • 46
  • Nick

Corey's Been Dead for an Hour

S04, E09  (First Aired: Nov. 20, 2006)
Charlie and Alan go on a double date, leaving Jake home alone for the first time.
  • Thu 5/31
  • 12:35AM-1:09AM
  • 46
  • Nick

That Was Saliva, Alan

S01, E16  (First Aired: Feb. 16, 2004)
Frankie tells Charlie and Alan why she and her daughter are on the run; Frankie's daughter has a crush on Jake.
  • Thu 5/31
  • 9:00AM-9:36AM
  • 44
  • Paramount

Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats

S01, E17  (First Aired: Feb. 23, 2004)
Alan offends Charlie by choosing harebrained cousins as Jake's guardians in the event of his death.
  • Thu 5/31
  • 9:36AM-10:12AM
  • 44
  • Paramount

An Old Flame With a New Wick

S01, E18  (First Aired: Mar. 1, 2004)
Charlie is stunned to learn his ex-girlfriend is now a man (Chris O'Donnell).
  • Thu 5/31
  • 10:12AM-10:48AM
  • 44
  • Paramount

I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You

S01, E19  (First Aired: Mar. 22, 2004)
Judith's sister, Liz (guest star Teri Hatcher), hits on Alan at Jake's birthday party; Evelyn prefers alcohol to cake.
  • Thu 5/31
  • 10:48AM-11:24AM
  • 44
  • Paramount

Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark

S01, E20  (First Aired: Apr. 19, 2004)
After trying a father/son talk, Alan and Judith decide to take a moody Jake to a therapist (Jane Lynch).
  • Thu 5/31
  • 11:24AM-12:00PM
  • 44
  • Paramount

Camel Filters and Pheremones

S01, E12  (First Aired: Jan. 5, 2004)
The housekeeper's beautiful granddaughter comes to work with her and attracts the attention of the men; Alan tries to convince Judith that Charlie's house is good for Jake.
  • Thu 5/31
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Big Girls Don't Throw Food

S09, E03  (First Aired: Oct. 3, 2011)
Alan helps Walden get ready for a date with Bridget (Judy Greer); Jake decides to drop out of school like Walden did.
  • Thu 5/31
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Don't Worry, Speed Racer

S04, E13  (First Aired: Jan. 22, 2007)
When Jake tells Charlie and Alan that he often overhears Judith and Herb (Ryan Stiles) making out, it triggers a repressed memory for Charlie.
  • Fri 6/1
  • 12:00AM-12:35AM
  • 46
  • Nick

That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami

S04, E14  (First Aired: Feb. 5, 2007)
Charlie has second thoughts after setting Alan up with their new neighbor (guest star Brooke Shields).
  • Fri 6/1
  • 12:35AM-1:09AM
  • 46
  • Nick

My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet

S01, E22  (First Aired: May. 10, 2004)
Charlie attempts to cure Alan of his recent bout of sleepwalking; Jake sees a therapist (Jane Lynch).
  • Fri 6/1
  • 9:00AM-9:36AM
  • 44
  • Paramount

Just Like Buffalo

S01, E23  (First Aired: May. 17, 2004)
Charlie tries to sweet talk Judith's divorcee support-group into letting Jake continue to spend weekends at his place.
  • Fri 6/1
  • 9:36AM-10:12AM
  • 44
  • Paramount

Can You Feel My Finger?

S01, E24  (First Aired: May. 24, 2004)
A pregnancy scare has Charlie heading to the doctor for a vasectomy.
  • Fri 6/1
  • 10:12AM-10:48AM
  • 44
  • Paramount

Back Off Mary Poppins

S02, E01  (First Aired: Sep. 20, 2004)
Alan learns that Charlie belongs to an exclusive men's group, and he begs his brother to let him join.
  • Fri 6/1
  • 10:48AM-11:24AM
  • 44
  • Paramount

Enjoy Those Garlic Balls

S02, E02  (First Aired: Sep. 27, 2004)
Judith is dating Jake's pediatrician (Ryan Stiles), and Alan is upset until Charlie points out that if she remarries, his alimony payments will end.
  • Fri 6/1
  • 11:24AM-12:00PM
  • 44
  • Paramount

Sarah Like Puny Alan

S01, E13  (First Aired: Jan. 12, 2004)
Charlie sets his ailing brother up on a date, then drags him to a steam room to help him get rid of his flu symptoms.
  • Fri 6/1
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Nine Magic Fingers

S09, E04  (First Aired: Oct. 10, 2011)
Walden searches for love; Alan encounters a chance to reconcile with Lyndsey.
  • Fri 6/1
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

I Merely Slept With a Commie

S04, E17  (First Aired: Feb. 26, 2007)
Evelyn makes Charlie and Alan regret saying that she will not have any mourners at her funeral.
  • Sat 6/2
  • 12:00AM-12:35AM
  • 46
  • Nick

It Never Rains in Hooterville

S04, E18  (First Aired: Mar. 19, 2007)
After realizing that Jake's childhood is almost over, Alan makes a last-minute try at father-son bonding; Kandi embarks on a new career.
  • Sat 6/2
  • 12:35AM-1:09AM
  • 46
  • Nick

The Salmon Under My Sweater

S02, E10  (First Aired: Nov. 29, 2004)
Charlie is tasked with writing a theme song to one of Jake's favorite comics; things heat up between Alan and Rose.
  • Sat 6/2
  • 8:00PM-8:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Last Chance to See Those Tattoos

S02, E11  (First Aired: Dec. 13, 2004)
Jake discovers an angry Web site devoted to Charlie's womanizing ways.
  • Sat 6/2
  • 8:30PM-9:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Smooth as a Ken Doll

S04, E19  (First Aired: Apr. 9, 2007)
Charlie gets close to Herb's witty sister, as Judith and Herb's wedding nears.
  • Sun 6/3
  • 12:00AM-12:35AM
  • 46
  • Nick

Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot

S04, E20  (First Aired: Apr. 16, 2007)
Alan prepares Jake for Judith's wedding; Charlie continues his fling with Herb's sister.
  • Sun 6/3
  • 12:35AM-1:09AM
  • 46
  • Nick

Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'

S04, E23  (First Aired: May. 7, 2007)
Charlie loses a woman to the young, handsome handyman (guest star Enrique Iglesias) working at his house.
  • Mon 6/4
  • 12:00AM-12:35AM
  • 46
  • Nick

Prostitutes and Gelato

S04, E24  (First Aired: May. 14, 2007)
Charlie and Alan must confront their ``daddy issues'' when Evelyn's new boyfriend (Robert Wagner) invites them to Las Vegas on his private jet.
  • Mon 6/4
  • 12:35AM-1:09AM
  • 46
  • Nick

No Episode Title

(First Aired: Sep. 22, 2003)
The social interactions of a group of misfits, including a divorcee and an Internet billionaire.
  • Mon 6/4
  • 9:00AM-9:30AM
  • 44
  • Paramount
  •  
  • 9:30AM-10:00AM
  • 44
  • Paramount
  •  
  • 10:00AM-10:30AM
  • 44
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  • 10:30AM-11:00AM
  • 44
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  • 11:00AM-11:30AM
  • 44
  • Paramount
  •  
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 44
  • Paramount

Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick

S01, E15  (First Aired: Feb. 9, 2004)
Against Alan's judgment, Charlie falls for a seemingly crazy woman named Frankie. Guest star: Jenna Elfman.
  • Mon 6/4
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

That Was Saliva, Alan

S01, E16  (First Aired: Feb. 16, 2004)
Frankie tells Charlie and Alan why she and her daughter are on the run; Frankie's daughter has a crush on Jake.
  • Mon 6/4
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

No Episode Title

(First Aired: Sep. 22, 2003)
The social interactions of a group of misfits, including a divorcee and an Internet billionaire.
  • Tue 6/5
  • 1:09AM-1:44AM
  • 46
  • Nick
  •  
  • 1:44AM-2:18AM
  • 46
  • Nick
  •  
  • 9:00AM-9:30AM
  • 44
  • Paramount
  •  
  • 9:30AM-10:00AM
  • 44
  • Paramount
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  • 10:00AM-10:30AM
  • 44
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  • 10:30AM-11:00AM
  • 44
  • Paramount
  •  
  • 11:00AM-11:30AM
  • 44
  • Paramount
  •  
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 44
  • Paramount

Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats

S01, E17  (First Aired: Feb. 23, 2004)
Alan offends Charlie by choosing harebrained cousins as Jake's guardians in the event of his death.
  • Tue 6/5
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

An Old Flame With a New Wick

S01, E18  (First Aired: Mar. 1, 2004)
Charlie is stunned to learn his ex-girlfriend is now a man (Chris O'Donnell).
  • Tue 6/5
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

No Episode Title

(First Aired: Sep. 22, 2003)
The social interactions of a group of misfits, including a divorcee and an Internet billionaire.
  • Wed 6/6
  • 1:09AM-1:44AM
  • 46
  • Nick
  •  
  • 1:44AM-2:18AM
  • 46
  • Nick
  •  
  • 9:00AM-9:30AM
  • 44
  • Paramount
  •  
  • 9:30AM-10:00AM
  • 44
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  • 10:00AM-10:30AM
  • 44
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  • 10:30AM-11:00AM
  • 44
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  • 11:00AM-11:30AM
  • 44
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  •  
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 44
  • Paramount

I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You

S01, E19  (First Aired: Mar. 22, 2004)
Judith's sister, Liz (guest star Teri Hatcher), hits on Alan at Jake's birthday party; Evelyn prefers alcohol to cake.
  • Wed 6/6
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark

S01, E20  (First Aired: Apr. 19, 2004)
After trying a father/son talk, Alan and Judith decide to take a moody Jake to a therapist (Jane Lynch).
  • Wed 6/6
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

No Episode Title

(First Aired: Sep. 22, 2003)
The social interactions of a group of misfits, including a divorcee and an Internet billionaire.
  • Thu 6/7
  • 1:09AM-1:44AM
  • 46
  • Nick
  •  
  • 1:44AM-2:18AM
  • 46
  • Nick
  •  
  • 9:00AM-9:30AM
  • 44
  • Paramount
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  • 9:30AM-10:00AM
  • 44
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  • 10:00AM-10:30AM
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  • 11:00AM-11:30AM
  • 44
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  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 44
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No Sniffing, No Wowing

S01, E21  (First Aired: May. 3, 2004)
Charlie jeopardizes Alan's divorce settlement by sleeping with his attorney, Laura (Heather Locklear).
  • Thu 6/7
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

A Giant Cat Holding a Churro

S09, E05  (First Aired: Oct. 17, 2011)
Alan tries to come to terms with Lyndsey's past; Walden throws a party at the house.
  • Thu 6/7
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

No Episode Title

(First Aired: Sep. 22, 2003)
The social interactions of a group of misfits, including a divorcee and an Internet billionaire.
  • Fri 6/8
  • 1:09AM-1:44AM
  • 46
  • Nick
  •  
  • 1:44AM-2:18AM
  • 46
  • Nick