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Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men

Genre: Sitcom

Chiropractor and single father Alan Harper lives in a beachfront house with divorced Internet billionaire Walden Schmidt, who bought the house following the untimely death of Alan's brother, Charlie. As they acclimate to their living arrangement, the tightly wound Alan finds himself taking on a mentor role with Walden, whose lifelong dependence on being taken care of has left him a bit naive. Despite his unsuccessful romantic history, Alan also tries to help Walden overcome his limited experiences with dating. Berta, a sharp-tongued, unapologetic housekeeper, is also featured in the series.
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    Avg. 2.5 (12,263 ratings)
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All Upcoming Times for Two and a Half Men

Episode Air Date Channel

Bad News From the Clinic

S02, E05  (First Aired: Oct. 18, 2004)
Charlie meets his match when he falls for a woman who is better at playing hard to get than he is.
  • Mon 6/26
  • 2:00PM-2:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance

S02, E06  (First Aired: Oct. 25, 2004)
Alan denies having shoplifted a toy as a child and fears he has a dark side, until Charlie admits he planted the toy on Alan to stay out of trouble himself.
  • Mon 6/26
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On

S02, E21  (First Aired: May. 2, 2005)
When Evelyn reads in the obituaries that her second husband, Harry, has died, she attends the funeral with Alan, then is furious to learn that Alan had kept in touch with Harry after the divorce.
  • Mon 6/26
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother

S02, E22  (First Aired: May. 9, 2005)
After taking a loan from Evelyn, Alan is guilted into double-dating with her, her new romantic interest and his daughter.
  • Mon 6/26
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Bad News From the Clinic

S02, E05  (First Aired: Oct. 18, 2004)
Charlie meets his match when he falls for a woman who is better at playing hard to get than he is.
  • Tue 6/27
  • 10:30AM-11:00AM
  • 31
  • FX

The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance

S02, E06  (First Aired: Oct. 25, 2004)
Alan denies having shoplifted a toy as a child and fears he has a dark side, until Charlie admits he planted the toy on Alan to stay out of trouble himself.
  • Tue 6/27
  • 11:00AM-11:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana

S02, E07  (First Aired: Nov. 8, 2004)
Charlie and Alan hire Berta's sister (Camryn Manheim) to cater a party their mother has conned them into throwing for her.
  • Tue 6/27
  • 2:00PM-2:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers

S02, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 15, 2004)
Alan gets a taste of what Charlie's sex life is like when he meets a woman at the grocery store who fulfills his every fantasy.
  • Tue 6/27
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab

S02, E23  (First Aired: May. 16, 2005)
Alan is reluctant to leave Jake with Evelyn for a sleepover visit until he finds himself partying with Charlie and a busload of beautiful female volleyball players.
  • Tue 6/27
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Does This Smell Funny to You?

S02, E24  (First Aired: May. 23, 2005)
Charlie unknowingly sleeps with an elderly man's (Orson Bean) hot trophy wife.
  • Tue 6/27
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana

S02, E07  (First Aired: Nov. 8, 2004)
Charlie and Alan hire Berta's sister (Camryn Manheim) to cater a party their mother has conned them into throwing for her.
  • Wed 6/28
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers

S02, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 15, 2004)
Alan gets a taste of what Charlie's sex life is like when he meets a woman at the grocery store who fulfills his every fantasy.
  • Wed 6/28
  • 12:00PM-12:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

Yes, Monsignor

S02, E09  (First Aired: Nov. 22, 2004)
Charlie bumps into an old flame he once thought would be Mrs. Right (Denise Richards) and is pleased to learn her marriage did not work out.
  • Wed 6/28
  • 2:00PM-2:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

The Salmon Under My Sweater

S02, E10  (First Aired: Nov. 29, 2004)
Charlie is tasked with writing a theme song to one of Jake's favorite comics; things heat up between Alan and Rose.
  • Wed 6/28
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Weekend in Bangkok With Two Olympic Gymnasts

S03, E01  (First Aired: Sep. 19, 2005)
After Alan falls off the roof, Charlie volunteers to watch Jake for the weekend.
  • Wed 6/28
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover

S03, E02  (First Aired: Sep. 26, 2005)
Alan must see the school principal over a picture Jake drew of a schoolmate and calls Charlie to watch over the boy.
  • Wed 6/28
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Yes, Monsignor

S02, E09  (First Aired: Nov. 22, 2004)
Charlie bumps into an old flame he once thought would be Mrs. Right (Denise Richards) and is pleased to learn her marriage did not work out.
  • Thu 6/29
  • 10:30AM-11:00AM
  • 31
  • FX

The Salmon Under My Sweater

S02, E10  (First Aired: Nov. 29, 2004)
Charlie is tasked with writing a theme song to one of Jake's favorite comics; things heat up between Alan and Rose.
  • Thu 6/29
  • 11:00AM-11:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

Last Chance to See Those Tattoos

S02, E11  (First Aired: Dec. 13, 2004)
Jake discovers an angry Web site devoted to Charlie's womanizing ways.
  • Thu 6/29
  • 2:00PM-2:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

A Lungful of Alan

S02, E12  (First Aired: Jan. 3, 2005)
Alan's homely high-school friend (Paget Brewster) returns as a beautiful woman, and the brothers quickly begin competing for her attentions.
  • Thu 6/29
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark

S03, E03  (First Aired: Oct. 3, 2005)
Charlie organizes an intervention to keep Alan from reuniting with Judith.
  • Thu 6/29
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Slowly and in a Circular Fashion

S09, E13  (First Aired: Jan. 2, 2012)
When Walden's mother (Mimi Rogers) and ex-wife (Judy Greer) try to take over his company, he turns to Alan for help.
  • Thu 6/29
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Last Chance to See Those Tattoos

S02, E11  (First Aired: Dec. 13, 2004)
Jake discovers an angry Web site devoted to Charlie's womanizing ways.
  • Fri 6/30
  • 11:00AM-11:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

A Lungful of Alan

S02, E12  (First Aired: Jan. 3, 2005)
Alan's homely high-school friend (Paget Brewster) returns as a beautiful woman, and the brothers quickly begin competing for her attentions.
  • Fri 6/30
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Zejdz Zmoich Wlosow (Get Off My Hair)

S02, E13  (First Aired: Jan. 17, 2005)
When Judith's pipes burst after an earthquake, Alan invites her to stay with him at Charlie's house.
  • Fri 6/30
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Those Big Pink Things With Coconuts

S02, E14  (First Aired: Jan. 31, 2005)
Evelyn takes drastic measures to get back into her sons' lives after Alan cuts her off.
  • Fri 6/30
  • 3:00PM-3:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs

S03, E04  (First Aired: Oct. 10, 2005)
Berta moves into Charlie's house for a few days and plays one brother against the other.
  • Fri 6/30
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

A Possum on Chemo

S09, E14  (First Aired: Jan. 16, 2012)
Zoey tries to convince Walden to cut his hair and shave; Alan and Lyndsey revive their relationship.
  • Fri 6/30
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Smell the Umbrella Stand

S02, E15  (First Aired: Feb. 7, 2005)
Charlie tries to distract Alan from an upcoming medical procedure by planning a trip to Las Vegas.
  • Sat 7/1
  • 8:00AM-8:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth?

S02, E16  (First Aired: Feb. 14, 2005)
Judith leaves Jake with Alan and Charlie while she spends a week in Hawaii, and the guys find that caring for Jake on a daily basis is much different from weekend visits.
  • Sat 7/1
  • 8:30AM-9:00AM
  • 31
  • FX

Woo-Hoo, A Hernia-Exam!

S02, E17  (First Aired: Feb. 21, 2005)
Charlie eschews Alan's medical advice in favor of a visit to his pretty female doctor after he injures his back during sex.
  • Sat 7/1
  • 9:00AM-9:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

It Was Mame, Mom

S02, E18  (First Aired: Mar. 7, 2005)
When a gay ad executive invites Charlie to a cocktail party, Charlie makes Alan go with him, as his gay partner.
  • Sat 7/1
  • 9:30AM-10:00AM
  • 31
  • FX

For the Sake of the Child

S07, E05  (First Aired: Oct. 19, 2009)
After they embarrass him in public, Jake refuses to stay with Charlie and Alan.
  • Sat 7/1
  • 8:00PM-8:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Give Me Your Thumb

S07, E06  (First Aired: Nov. 2, 2009)
Alan suggests that Chelsea get breast-reduction surgery, and Charlie kicks him out.
  • Sat 7/1
  • 8:30PM-9:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

A Low, Gutteral Tongue-Flapping Noise

S02, E19  (First Aired: Mar. 21, 2005)
Alan asks one of Charlie's beautiful ex-girlfriends (Jeri Ryan) on a date, but while they are out he is tormented by thoughts of her with Charlie.
  • Mon 7/3
  • 2:00PM-2:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey

S02, E20  (First Aired: Apr. 18, 2005)
When Charlie and Alan take their personal frustrations out on each other, Rose tries to help the brothers sort out their feelings.
  • Mon 7/3
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

We Called It Mr. Pinky

S03, E05  (First Aired: Oct. 17, 2005)
Charlie responds inappropriately to a woman's declaration of love, and Rose says his inability to have a long-lasting relationship is due to unresolved issues with his mother.
  • Mon 7/3
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop

S03, E07  (First Aired: Nov. 7, 2005)
Rose's father (Martin Sheen) confronts Charlie about his intentions toward Rose.
  • Mon 7/3
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

That Voodoo That I Do Do

S03, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 14, 2005)
Charlie cons Jake into taking ballet lessons in order to get close to the teacher.
  • Tue 7/4
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Madame and Her Special Friend

S03, E09  (First Aired: Nov. 21, 2005)
A wealthy, elderly woman (Cloris Leachman) sets her sights on Alan.
  • Tue 7/4
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On

S02, E21  (First Aired: May. 2, 2005)
When Evelyn reads in the obituaries that her second husband, Harry, has died, she attends the funeral with Alan, then is furious to learn that Alan had kept in touch with Harry after the divorce.
  • Wed 7/5
  • 11:00AM-11:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother

S02, E22  (First Aired: May. 9, 2005)
After taking a loan from Evelyn, Alan is guilted into double-dating with her, her new romantic interest and his daughter.
  • Wed 7/5
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab

S02, E23  (First Aired: May. 16, 2005)
Alan is reluctant to leave Jake with Evelyn for a sleepover visit until he finds himself partying with Charlie and a busload of beautiful female volleyball players.
  • Wed 7/5
  • 2:00PM-2:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

Does This Smell Funny to You?

S02, E24  (First Aired: May. 23, 2005)
Charlie unknowingly sleeps with an elderly man's (Orson Bean) hot trophy wife.
  • Wed 7/5
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Something Salted and Twisted

S03, E10  (First Aired: Nov. 28, 2005)
Alan organizes a family dinner to celebrate a newspaper article that calls him a ``good doctor, good neighbor and a good guy,'' but it does not impress his mother.
  • Wed 7/5
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

That Special Tug

S03, E12  (First Aired: Jan. 9, 2006)
Alan's emotional breakdown after dropping Jake off for a weekend away sends Charlie to a therapist.
  • Wed 7/5
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab

S02, E23  (First Aired: May. 16, 2005)
Alan is reluctant to leave Jake with Evelyn for a sleepover visit until he finds himself partying with Charlie and a busload of beautiful female volleyball players.
  • Thu 7/6
  • 11:00AM-11:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

Does This Smell Funny to You?

S02, E24  (First Aired: May. 23, 2005)
Charlie unknowingly sleeps with an elderly man's (Orson Bean) hot trophy wife.
  • Thu 7/6
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Weekend in Bangkok With Two Olympic Gymnasts

S03, E01  (First Aired: Sep. 19, 2005)
After Alan falls off the roof, Charlie volunteers to watch Jake for the weekend.
  • Thu 7/6
  • 2:00PM-2:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover

S03, E02  (First Aired: Sep. 26, 2005)
Alan must see the school principal over a picture Jake drew of a schoolmate and calls Charlie to watch over the boy.
  • Thu 7/6
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Ergo, the Booty Call

S03, E16  (First Aired: Mar. 6, 2006)
Alan tries to avoid bringing his sexy 22-year-old girlfriend to Jake's birthday party.
  • Thu 7/6
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack

S09, E15  (First Aired: Feb. 6, 2012)
Walden tries to loosen Zooey up by sharing some of Berta's special brownies.
  • Thu 7/6
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Weekend in Bangkok With Two Olympic Gymnasts

S03, E01  (First Aired: Sep. 19, 2005)
After Alan falls off the roof, Charlie volunteers to watch Jake for the weekend.
  • Fri 7/7
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover

S03, E02  (First Aired: Sep. 26, 2005)
Alan must see the school principal over a picture Jake drew of a schoolmate and calls Charlie to watch over the boy.
  • Fri 7/7
  • 12:00PM-12:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark

S03, E03  (First Aired: Oct. 3, 2005)
Charlie organizes an intervention to keep Alan from reuniting with Judith.
  • Fri 7/7
  • 3:30PM-4:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs

S03, E04  (First Aired: Oct. 10, 2005)
Berta moves into Charlie's house for a few days and plays one brother against the other.
  • Fri 7/7
  • 4:00PM-4:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

The Unfortunate Little Schnauser

S03, E17  (First Aired: Mar. 13, 2006)
Charlie boycotts an advertising awards banquet, having lost several years in a row to his nemesis, Archie (Jon Lovitz).
  • Fri 7/7
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy

S09, E16  (First Aired: Feb. 13, 2012)
When a huge storm keeps Walden, Alan, Zoey and Lindsay at home on Valentine's Day, conflict brews and relationships are strained.
  • Fri 7/7
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

We Called It Mr. Pinky

S03, E05  (First Aired: Oct. 17, 2005)
Charlie responds inappropriately to a woman's declaration of love, and Rose says his inability to have a long-lasting relationship is due to unresolved issues with his mother.
  • Sat 7/8
  • 8:30AM-9:00AM
  • 31
  • FX

Hi, Mr. Horned One

S03, E06  (First Aired: Oct. 24, 2005)
Charlie likes dating Isabella (Jodi Lyn O'Keefe), a wild, sexually uninhibited woman, until she threatens to put a curse on his manhood.
  • Sat 7/8
  • 9:00AM-9:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop

S03, E07  (First Aired: Nov. 7, 2005)
Rose's father (Martin Sheen) confronts Charlie about his intentions toward Rose.
  • Sat 7/8
  • 9:30AM-10:00AM
  • 31
  • FX

That Voodoo That I Do Do

S03, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 14, 2005)
Charlie cons Jake into taking ballet lessons in order to get close to the teacher.
  • Sat 7/8
  • 10:00AM-10:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair

S07, E09  (First Aired: Nov. 23, 2009)
Charlie discovers he has not been satisfying Chelsea; Alan attempts to cure his thinning hair without spending much money.
  • Sat 7/8
  • 8:00PM-8:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

That's Why They Call It Ball Room

S07, E10  (First Aired: Dec. 7, 2009)
Charlie discovers that Chelsea has not been completely honest about her finances.
  • Sat 7/8
  • 8:30PM-9:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

That Voodoo That I Do Do

S03, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 14, 2005)
Charlie cons Jake into taking ballet lessons in order to get close to the teacher.
  • Sun 7/9
  • 1:00AM-1:30AM
  • 31
  • FX