TV Listings

Print HELP
Cox Communications - Cable (67501)
Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men

Genre: Sitcom

Chiropractor and single father Alan Harper lives in a beachfront house with divorced Internet billionaire Walden Schmidt, who bought the house following the untimely death of Alan's brother, Charlie. As they acclimate to their living arrangement, the tightly wound Alan finds himself taking on a mentor role with Walden, whose lifelong dependence on being taken care of has left him a bit naive. Despite his unsuccessful romantic history, Alan also tries to help Walden overcome his limited experiences with dating. Berta, a sharp-tongued, unapologetic housekeeper, is also featured in the series.
  • Rate this show:
    2.5 / 5.0
    Avg. 2.5 (12,263 ratings)
  • Share

All Upcoming Times for Two and a Half Men

Episode Air Date Channel

The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up With a Hump

S01, E05  (First Aired: Oct. 20, 2003)
Charlie and Alan meet several women while attending one of Jake's soccer games.
  • Tue 2/21
  • 11:00AM-11:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?

S01, E06  (First Aired: Oct. 27, 2003)
After Evelyn's new beau dumps her, Charlie and Alan enlist Jake to cheer her up; Charlie teaches Jake a lesson about screening telephone calls from women.
  • Tue 2/21
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake

S01, E07  (First Aired: Nov. 3, 2003)
For a school assignment, Jake draws the tattooed buttocks of Charlie's female friend.
  • Tue 2/21
  • 2:00PM-2:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful

S01, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 10, 2003)
Charlie realizes Jake's classmates know the words to all of his jingles, and he is inspired to craft the fourth-grade musical with unusual results.
  • Tue 2/21
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

A Lungful of Alan

S02, E12  (First Aired: Jan. 3, 2005)
Alan's homely high-school friend (Paget Brewster) returns as a beautiful woman, and the brothers quickly begin competing for her attentions.
  • Tue 2/21
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Zejdz Zmoich Wlosow (Get Off My Hair)

S02, E13  (First Aired: Jan. 17, 2005)
When Judith's pipes burst after an earthquake, Alan invites her to stay with him at Charlie's house.
  • Tue 2/21
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake

S01, E07  (First Aired: Nov. 3, 2003)
For a school assignment, Jake draws the tattooed buttocks of Charlie's female friend.
  • Wed 2/22
  • 10:30AM-11:00AM
  • 31
  • FX

Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful

S01, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 10, 2003)
Charlie realizes Jake's classmates know the words to all of his jingles, and he is inspired to craft the fourth-grade musical with unusual results.
  • Wed 2/22
  • 11:00AM-11:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

Phase One, Complete

S01, E09  (First Aired: Nov. 17, 2003)
Jake and Evelyn befriend one of Charlie's one-night stands, causing her to stay longer than expected.
  • Wed 2/22
  • 2:00PM-2:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor

S01, E11  (First Aired: Dec. 15, 2003)
Alan reluctantly agrees to a makeover after running into his ex-wife and her new beau; when the brothers go shopping, they clash over what to buy.
  • Wed 2/22
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Those Big Pink Things With Coconuts

S02, E14  (First Aired: Jan. 31, 2005)
Evelyn takes drastic measures to get back into her sons' lives after Alan cuts her off.
  • Wed 2/22
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Smell the Umbrella Stand

S02, E15  (First Aired: Feb. 7, 2005)
Charlie tries to distract Alan from an upcoming medical procedure by planning a trip to Las Vegas.
  • Wed 2/22
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Phase One, Complete

S01, E09  (First Aired: Nov. 17, 2003)
Jake and Evelyn befriend one of Charlie's one-night stands, causing her to stay longer than expected.
  • Thu 2/23
  • 10:00AM-10:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor

S01, E11  (First Aired: Dec. 15, 2003)
Alan reluctantly agrees to a makeover after running into his ex-wife and her new beau; when the brothers go shopping, they clash over what to buy.
  • Thu 2/23
  • 10:30AM-11:00AM
  • 31
  • FX

Camel Filters and Pheremones

S01, E12  (First Aired: Jan. 5, 2004)
The housekeeper's beautiful granddaughter comes to work with her and attracts the attention of the men; Alan tries to convince Judith that Charlie's house is good for Jake.
  • Thu 2/23
  • 2:00PM-2:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

Sarah Like Puny Alan

S01, E13  (First Aired: Jan. 12, 2004)
Charlie sets his ailing brother up on a date, then drags him to a steam room to help him get rid of his flu symptoms.
  • Thu 2/23
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth?

S02, E16  (First Aired: Feb. 14, 2005)
Judith leaves Jake with Alan and Charlie while she spends a week in Hawaii, and the guys find that caring for Jake on a daily basis is much different from weekend visits.
  • Thu 2/23
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants

S11, E06  (First Aired: Nov. 7, 2013)
Alan wants to set up a date with Lynda Carter once he learns Walden knows her; Walden begrudgingly agrees to invite Lynda over for dinner.
  • Thu 2/23
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Camel Filters and Pheremones

S01, E12  (First Aired: Jan. 5, 2004)
The housekeeper's beautiful granddaughter comes to work with her and attracts the attention of the men; Alan tries to convince Judith that Charlie's house is good for Jake.
  • Fri 2/24
  • 10:30AM-11:00AM
  • 31
  • FX

Sarah Like Puny Alan

S01, E13  (First Aired: Jan. 12, 2004)
Charlie sets his ailing brother up on a date, then drags him to a steam room to help him get rid of his flu symptoms.
  • Fri 2/24
  • 11:00AM-11:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

I Can't Afford Hyenas

S01, E14  (First Aired: Feb. 2, 2004)
Charlie realizes he's broke when his credit card is declined at the grocery store. Richard Lewis guest stars.
  • Fri 2/24
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick

S01, E15  (First Aired: Feb. 9, 2004)
Against Alan's judgment, Charlie falls for a seemingly crazy woman named Frankie. Guest star: Jenna Elfman.
  • Fri 2/24
  • 3:00PM-3:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

Woo-Hoo, A Hernia-Exam!

S02, E17  (First Aired: Feb. 21, 2005)
Charlie eschews Alan's medical advice in favor of a visit to his pretty female doctor after he injures his back during sex.
  • Fri 2/24
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie

S11, E07  (First Aired: Nov. 14, 2013)
Lyndsey's jealousy disrupts Walden's and Alan's dates with beautiful women.
  • Fri 2/24
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

That Was Saliva, Alan

S01, E16  (First Aired: Feb. 16, 2004)
Frankie tells Charlie and Alan why she and her daughter are on the run; Frankie's daughter has a crush on Jake.
  • Sat 2/25
  • 8:30AM-9:00AM
  • 31
  • FX

Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats

S01, E17  (First Aired: Feb. 23, 2004)
Alan offends Charlie by choosing harebrained cousins as Jake's guardians in the event of his death.
  • Sat 2/25
  • 9:00AM-9:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

An Old Flame With a New Wick

S01, E18  (First Aired: Mar. 1, 2004)
Charlie is stunned to learn his ex-girlfriend is now a man (Chris O'Donnell).
  • Sat 2/25
  • 9:30AM-10:00AM
  • 31
  • FX

I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You

S01, E19  (First Aired: Mar. 22, 2004)
Judith's sister, Liz (guest star Teri Hatcher), hits on Alan at Jake's birthday party; Evelyn prefers alcohol to cake.
  • Sat 2/25
  • 10:00AM-10:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

Smooth as a Ken Doll

S04, E19  (First Aired: Apr. 9, 2007)
Charlie gets close to Herb's witty sister, as Judith and Herb's wedding nears.
  • Sat 2/25
  • 8:00PM-8:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot

S04, E20  (First Aired: Apr. 16, 2007)
Alan prepares Jake for Judith's wedding; Charlie continues his fling with Herb's sister.
  • Sat 2/25
  • 8:30PM-9:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark

S01, E20  (First Aired: Apr. 19, 2004)
After trying a father/son talk, Alan and Judith decide to take a moody Jake to a therapist (Jane Lynch).
  • Mon 2/27
  • 2:00PM-2:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

No Sniffing, No Wowing

S01, E21  (First Aired: May. 3, 2004)
Charlie jeopardizes Alan's divorce settlement by sleeping with his attorney, Laura (Heather Locklear).
  • Mon 2/27
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

It Was Mame, Mom

S02, E18  (First Aired: Mar. 7, 2005)
When a gay ad executive invites Charlie to a cocktail party, Charlie makes Alan go with him, as his gay partner.
  • Mon 2/27
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

A Low, Gutteral Tongue-Flapping Noise

S02, E19  (First Aired: Mar. 21, 2005)
Alan asks one of Charlie's beautiful ex-girlfriends (Jeri Ryan) on a date, but while they are out he is tormented by thoughts of her with Charlie.
  • Mon 2/27
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark

S01, E20  (First Aired: Apr. 19, 2004)
After trying a father/son talk, Alan and Judith decide to take a moody Jake to a therapist (Jane Lynch).
  • Tue 2/28
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

No Sniffing, No Wowing

S01, E21  (First Aired: May. 3, 2004)
Charlie jeopardizes Alan's divorce settlement by sleeping with his attorney, Laura (Heather Locklear).
  • Tue 2/28
  • 12:00PM-12:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet

S01, E22  (First Aired: May. 10, 2004)
Charlie attempts to cure Alan of his recent bout of sleepwalking; Jake sees a therapist (Jane Lynch).
  • Tue 2/28
  • 2:00PM-2:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

Just Like Buffalo

S01, E23  (First Aired: May. 17, 2004)
Charlie tries to sweet talk Judith's divorcee support-group into letting Jake continue to spend weekends at his place.
  • Tue 2/28
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey

S02, E20  (First Aired: Apr. 18, 2005)
When Charlie and Alan take their personal frustrations out on each other, Rose tries to help the brothers sort out their feelings.
  • Tue 2/28
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On

S02, E21  (First Aired: May. 2, 2005)
When Evelyn reads in the obituaries that her second husband, Harry, has died, she attends the funeral with Alan, then is furious to learn that Alan had kept in touch with Harry after the divorce.
  • Tue 2/28
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet

S01, E22  (First Aired: May. 10, 2004)
Charlie attempts to cure Alan of his recent bout of sleepwalking; Jake sees a therapist (Jane Lynch).
  • Wed 3/1
  • 10:30AM-11:00AM
  • 31
  • FX

Just Like Buffalo

S01, E23  (First Aired: May. 17, 2004)
Charlie tries to sweet talk Judith's divorcee support-group into letting Jake continue to spend weekends at his place.
  • Wed 3/1
  • 11:00AM-11:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

Can You Feel My Finger?

S01, E24  (First Aired: May. 24, 2004)
A pregnancy scare has Charlie heading to the doctor for a vasectomy.
  • Wed 3/1
  • 2:00PM-2:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

Back Off Mary Poppins

S02, E01  (First Aired: Sep. 20, 2004)
Alan learns that Charlie belongs to an exclusive men's group, and he begs his brother to let him join.
  • Wed 3/1
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother

S02, E22  (First Aired: May. 9, 2005)
After taking a loan from Evelyn, Alan is guilted into double-dating with her, her new romantic interest and his daughter.
  • Wed 3/1
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab

S02, E23  (First Aired: May. 16, 2005)
Alan is reluctant to leave Jake with Evelyn for a sleepover visit until he finds himself partying with Charlie and a busload of beautiful female volleyball players.
  • Wed 3/1
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Can You Feel My Finger?

S01, E24  (First Aired: May. 24, 2004)
A pregnancy scare has Charlie heading to the doctor for a vasectomy.
  • Thu 3/2
  • 11:00AM-11:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

Back Off Mary Poppins

S02, E01  (First Aired: Sep. 20, 2004)
Alan learns that Charlie belongs to an exclusive men's group, and he begs his brother to let him join.
  • Thu 3/2
  • 11:30AM-12:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Enjoy Those Garlic Balls

S02, E02  (First Aired: Sep. 27, 2004)
Judith is dating Jake's pediatrician (Ryan Stiles), and Alan is upset until Charlie points out that if she remarries, his alimony payments will end.
  • Thu 3/2
  • 1:30PM-2:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

A Bag Full of Jawea

S02, E03  (First Aired: Oct. 4, 2004)
Charlie tries to save Jake from school suspension by romancing his teacher, but the results are unfortunate.
  • Thu 3/2
  • 2:00PM-2:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

Does This Smell Funny to You?

S02, E24  (First Aired: May. 23, 2005)
Charlie unknowingly sleeps with an elderly man's (Orson Bean) hot trophy wife.
  • Thu 3/2
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room

S11, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 21, 2013)
When Alan and Lyndsey's affair puts Walden in danger, he is forced to accept Rose's (Melanie Lynskey) help.
  • Thu 3/2
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Enjoy Those Garlic Balls

S02, E02  (First Aired: Sep. 27, 2004)
Judith is dating Jake's pediatrician (Ryan Stiles), and Alan is upset until Charlie points out that if she remarries, his alimony payments will end.
  • Fri 3/3
  • 10:30AM-11:00AM
  • 31
  • FX

A Bag Full of Jawea

S02, E03  (First Aired: Oct. 4, 2004)
Charlie tries to save Jake from school suspension by romancing his teacher, but the results are unfortunate.
  • Fri 3/3
  • 11:00AM-11:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

Go Get Mommy's Bra

S02, E04  (First Aired: Oct. 11, 2004)
Charlie's mother, Evelyn, asks to borrow his Mercedes so she can impress a Saudi prince who she wants to buy real estate.
  • Fri 3/3
  • 2:00PM-2:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

Bad News From the Clinic

S02, E05  (First Aired: Oct. 18, 2004)
Charlie meets his match when he falls for a woman who is better at playing hard to get than he is.
  • Fri 3/3
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Weekend in Bangkok With Two Olympic Gymnasts

S03, E01  (First Aired: Sep. 19, 2005)
After Alan falls off the roof, Charlie volunteers to watch Jake for the weekend.
  • Fri 3/3
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer

S11, E09  (First Aired: Dec. 5, 2013)
Walden goes on a date with an accident-prone model; Alan's date reveals surprising personal information.
  • Fri 3/3
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance

S02, E06  (First Aired: Oct. 25, 2004)
Alan denies having shoplifted a toy as a child and fears he has a dark side, until Charlie admits he planted the toy on Alan to stay out of trouble himself.
  • Sat 3/4
  • 9:00AM-9:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana

S02, E07  (First Aired: Nov. 8, 2004)
Charlie and Alan hire Berta's sister (Camryn Manheim) to cater a party their mother has conned them into throwing for her.
  • Sat 3/4
  • 9:30AM-10:00AM
  • 31
  • FX

Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers

S02, E08  (First Aired: Nov. 15, 2004)
Alan gets a taste of what Charlie's sex life is like when he meets a woman at the grocery store who fulfills his every fantasy.
  • Sat 3/4
  • 10:00AM-10:30AM
  • 31
  • FX

Yes, Monsignor

S02, E09  (First Aired: Nov. 22, 2004)
Charlie bumps into an old flame he once thought would be Mrs. Right (Denise Richards) and is pleased to learn her marriage did not work out.
  • Sat 3/4
  • 10:30AM-11:00AM
  • 31
  • FX

Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'

S04, E23  (First Aired: May. 7, 2007)
Charlie loses a woman to the young, handsome handyman (guest star Enrique Iglesias) working at his house.
  • Sat 3/4
  • 8:00PM-8:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Prostitutes and Gelato

S04, E24  (First Aired: May. 14, 2007)
Charlie and Alan must confront their ``daddy issues'' when Evelyn's new boyfriend (Robert Wagner) invites them to Las Vegas on his private jet.
  • Sat 3/4
  • 8:30PM-9:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

The Salmon Under My Sweater

S02, E10  (First Aired: Nov. 29, 2004)
Charlie is tasked with writing a theme song to one of Jake's favorite comics; things heat up between Alan and Rose.
  • Mon 3/6
  • 2:00PM-2:30PM
  • 31
  • FX

Last Chance to See Those Tattoos

S02, E11  (First Aired: Dec. 13, 2004)
Jake discovers an angry Web site devoted to Charlie's womanizing ways.
  • Mon 3/6
  • 2:30PM-3:00PM
  • 31
  • FX

Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover

S03, E02  (First Aired: Sep. 26, 2005)
Alan must see the school principal over a picture Jake drew of a schoolmate and calls Charlie to watch over the boy.
  • Mon 3/6
  • 9:00PM-9:30PM
  • 6
  • KMTW

Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark

S03, E03  (First Aired: Oct. 3, 2005)
Charlie organizes an intervention to keep Alan from reuniting with Judith.
  • Mon 3/6
  • 9:30PM-10:00PM
  • 6
  • KMTW